a touch of humor

[blutach]

Alien Bay. Nice ones.

Now:

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pockets with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of the horse I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. " I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked,"What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

Regards

[blutach]

this is a local joke (blu, you'll relate mostly to this 1 )

god & the devil were bored on this day, & were wondering what to do to pass the time ....
god suggested a footy match between the angels (good souls) & the demons (bad souls).
the devil replied. "it wouldn't be a fair game". & that god would lose "hands-down".
how do you figure ? asked god.
"we (in heaven), have all the best & greatest players from the past at our beckoning, & you lot wouldn't stand a chance". added god.

the devil just grinned & replied - "yeah, that's true, but we have all the umpires on our side"

Don't I know it after today Mentor!!!

Regards

[Experi-Mentor]

blu - haven't watch any tv today, but i gather your lot also got done
"hope" - where can 1 get some ??? (no religious remarks needed)

[blutach]

Yeah - by the Demons, no less! So at least I know for sure now, definitively, that Collingwood is God's Own Team.

Regards

[Experi-Mentor]

sadly, footy "isn't" what it was back in the 70's & 80's (those were the days).
isn't there any umps in heaven that can work to our advantage ?

i think we (piss-weak blues) are on the bottom again, & i wish there was a lower possition for 'em. they don't deserve to be in the afl

[blutach]

Couldn't agree more!

Regards

[jill t]

Yeah - by the Demons, no less! So at least I know for sure now, definitively, that Collingwood is God's Own Team.

Regards

Funny thing about this joke is they lost to one of our teams how funnies that , Sorry blu <nice mode on again>

[blutach]

You saying you're a devil jill?

Regards

[tigerman8u]

My Mother always told me; “Sometimes in life you have to be real Bad to be real Good!”

like as in

said the good little girl to the bad little girl "gee but it's hard to be good"
said the bad little girl to the good little girl "it's gotta be hard to be good"

[blutach]

@tigerman8u

Regards

[photo_angel2004]

like as in

said the good little girl to the bad little girl "gee but it's hard to be good"
said the bad little girl to the good little girl "it's gotta be hard to be good"

I would hope so.

[photo_angel2004]

Computer Diagnosis


One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I
guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do
that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out
the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is
using drugs. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is
pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And
if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.

[Experi-Mentor]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[blutach]

@photo

@Mentor - Hmmmm. One for the divorce courts.

Regards

[Experi-Mentor]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."