JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[uufta]

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!'"

[uufta]

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the
airplane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the
other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this
is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves
faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the
window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the
water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The
passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all
retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the
plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and
says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna
scream too late and we're all gonna die.

[uufta]

Paying The Bills

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

[uufta]

Selling Bibles

While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"

[uufta]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.

"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

[uufta]

A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."

He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.

Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

[uufta]

DEPRESSED MAN

A depressed man walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"

After downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend.

"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second drink. "No wonder you needed such a stiff drink. This one's on the house."

As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked, "So, what did you do?"

"Well, I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in the eye and told her we were through." The man continued, "Then, I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "Good for you," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye, and said, 'Bad dog!'"

[uufta]

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I
have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my
boss & several of his friends.

"We'll be gone for a week. This is a good
opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting, so could you
please pack enough clothes for a week and

set out my rod and fishing box? We're
leaving from the office I will swing by the house to
pick my things up... Oh! Please pack my
new blue silk pyjamas."


The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being
the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired
but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?


He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a
few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my
new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"


The wife replied,

"I did....... They're in your fishing box."

[uufta]

The words I try to live by..

"Please give us a sense of humor, Lord.
Give us the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk."

[jm1647]

"Please give us a sense of humor, Lord.
Give us the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk."

[blutach]

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

“Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."
"What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!

"Yes Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?”

"Your wife's, Senor Rod........ She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief.
So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."



SILENCE................... , LONG, LONG, LONG SILENCE..............




"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep Sh!t!



Regards

[volfann]

Now thats funny..I don't care who you are...

[IndianPrincess]

New Meaning to the word Friendship!!

[drfsupercenter]

LOL

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I"

[Kabuchan]

A woman was struggling to get ketchup out of the bottle, so her 4-year-old answered the phone when their preacher called: "Mommy can't talk right now. She's hitting the bottle."