JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[dr_ml422]

Questions asked in a courtroom can be very revealing... especially in the South. Even of an old, sweet lady many would be happy to call grandma.

In a trial in the heart of the South, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman he had known since childhood, to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Coolidge. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Of course, I do. I've known Mr. Johnson since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney turned red with embarssment.

The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thusfar asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

[dr_ml422]

The following list of rules applies to each person as they enter Montana.

Learn 'em & remember 'em.

1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot.
Rules for Visting Montana Montana Rules

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are horses, cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-90 and I-94 go east and west, I-15 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed. We have quarter-million dollar, air conditioned tractors that we drive three weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat Walleye & Rainbow Trout. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to everyone, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and A-1.

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here as the Vikings and the Seattle Seahawks and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water hazards ---- it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Montana State or the University of Montana. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

16. We have more folks per capita in the Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Montana." If you do, you'll likely get your butt kicked.

[dr_ml422]

The Hurricane Season

Hurricane season runs from June through November. Anyone visiting Florida during these months can expect to turn on their TV and see warning news reports showing a white radar blob hundreds of miles away. The news reports will stress two points.

1. Don't Panic

2. This blob may be coming your way to kill you, or if you're lucky, just leave you homeless.


Preparing for a Hurricane

If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for a hurricane.

It is standard procedure in Florida to wait until the last possible moment before picking up supplies. Be sure to wait at least long enough so you'll see a free fight or two between people trying to buy a years supply of the wrong size batteries for their flashlights because the correct sized batteries were just purchased by that other customer. It's so much fun to watch impromptu sprawls that are more realistic than those wrestling people. And you don't have to pay good money to see them.


Don't Forget the Chickens
The Best Thing To Do

The best thing to do in the case of a hurricane is to carefully pack all of your valuables in your car, and drive to West Virginia. We suggest purchasing a house where you will be comfortable so you can stay there to live.

You'll want to be sure to get a few chickens. They come in handy, not for eating, but to feed the alligators that will appear after the storm.


Evacuation Routes

If you live in a low lying area, you'll want to have an evacuation route planned out. Evacuation Routes are the parking lots created on the local roads designed by the city council to be used by most of the people in a community while they use the back roads to get out of the city to higher ground.


How Do You Know If You're In a Low Lying Area?

Look carefully at your postal address. If it's in the state of Florida, you are in a low lying area.


Homeowner's Insurance

Homeowner's insurance is often considered the most important preparedness item you can't afford. Not what you can't afford to live without, but what you can't afford, PERIOD. We do have a couple of tricks that will help you get good affordable homeowner's insurance.

1.) Find a house that's built using the latest building techniques designed to help it withstand hurricanes.

2.) Make sure it's located somewhere in West Virginia.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any area along the coast that could be hit by a hurricane, your chances of getting affordable insurance is almost nil. After all, insurance companies are in business to get you to give them money, not to give you money in case your house happens to be damaged. If you do find insurance, the annual cost is likely to be roughly equal to the construction costs for a new home.


The Winds of Florida Our guide to Florida Hurricanes
Shutters

In case those pesky news reporters do say the hurricane is going to give your town a quick whirlwind visit, you'll want to be prepared to cover your windows with shutters. Shutters come in several flavor's.
Home built:

These are the 4 by 8 sheets of plywood nailed to the house that you'll see flying around during the storm. You can pick them up really cheaply off your lawn and garden if you're willing to wait until just after the storm passes.
Sheet-Metal Shutters:

These work well and make great sounds during the storm. It's especially fun to see people who've waited till the last minute to put these up because they get really wiggly.
Comerica Shutters:

If your house is paid for and you're willing to take out a second mortgage to buy them, these shutters can work quite well.


The New "Hurricane Proof" Windows

Along with also requiring a second mortgage, these new fangled windows are said to withstand hurricane force winds according to the salesman. Unfortunately, the salesman lives in West Virginia.

[dr_ml422]

Norvegian Virus Joke
One of the more interesting computer virus that your virus program can't catch.
Received in a recent e-mail:

VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr Virus

Ve haf just sent you da NORVEGIAN VIRUS. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis Virus verks on da honor system. Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.

Tank you for your cooperation,

Sven and Ole

[gonwk]

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.

One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.

The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".
So, they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

[dr_ml422]

"Hi dad". "Oh hi pumkin. How's it going?" "Well I'm doing good at school but I always find myself short of money or broke." "Well welcome to the real world princess. You're going to have to get yourself a job to help you pay your way." "Ok. Thnx dad."

"Hello?" "Hi dad it's me. Oh hi pumkin. How's it going?" "Well I got myself a job on campus, but I still find myself short or broke." "Well welcome to the real world hun. You're going to have to get a second job or one that pays more so you could pay your own way." "Thnx dad."

"Hello.
?" "Hi dad it's me." "Oh hi pumkin. How's it going?" "Well I got a better paying job. Things are great." "Well that's nice to hear princess. What are you doing?" "I'm a stripper. Welcome to the real world."

[gonwk]

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale" she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

Sorry folks kinda goofy clean Joke!

[dr_ml422]

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be Thy drink,

Thy will be drunk,

(I will be drunk),

At home as I am in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us,

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers,

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager,

Forever and ever,

Barmen.

[dr_ml422]

GOOD SAMARITAN

A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool.

Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man.

After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home."

The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question...Where's his wheelchair?"

[gonwk]

Hi dr_ml,

Good Samaritan ... Funnnny!

G!

[dr_ml422]

Shut Your Mouth

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

Man: "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

[gonwk]

I wonder how many of us have had this kind of Girlfriend in our car when getting a ticket!?!?

[dr_ml422]

Hi Gonwk. Good to hear from you.

Hope this qualifies for the Joke thread. I'm thinking it could go either here or in my Famous Quotes etc... thread. Oh well. Lol.



In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
John Adams

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Gracie Allen

The mind starts working the moment you are born, and doesn't stop until you stand up to make a speech.
Steve Allen
Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no."


I don't mind dying... as long as I don't have to be there when it happens.

If everything is under control, you're going too slow. Mario Andretti
Isaac Asimov

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

It's not so much what you have to learn if you accept weird theories, it's what you have to unlearn.

People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.
Bangstrom

You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty.
Cecil Baxter

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.
Bernard Berenson

Never answer an anonymous letter.
Lawrence Peter (Yogi) Berra

All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher.
Ambrose Bierce

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
Jim Bishop

Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.
Niels Bohr

You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance. Ray Bradbury

The world has achieved brilliance without conscience. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
Gen. Omar Bradley

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Rita Mae Brown

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

One of the keys to happiness is a real bad memory.

If animals weren't meant to be eaten, then why are they made out of meat?
bumpersticker

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
Samuel Butler

Ageing isn't that bad if you consider the alternatives.
Maurice Chevalier

If you're ashamed of being a wallflower, imagine how the wall feels.
Jacob Churosh
Winston Churchill.

I am ready to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent.
Robert Copeland

There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Mona Crane

There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.
Salvador Dali

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis

Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night.
Philip K. Dick

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

The best advice I can give is to ignore advice. Life is too short to be distracted by the opinions of others.
Russell Edson
Albert Einstein

With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change.
Women marry men with the hope they will change.
Invaribly they are both disappointed.

Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
W. C. Fields

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

The average man does not know what to do with his life, yet wants another one which will last forever.
Anatole France

[gonwk]

NEW DEFINITIONS FOR OUR CURRENT ECONOMIC ENVIRONMENT

"CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use. (It was difficult to find in my Thesaurus ...)" in my e-mail

[dr_ml422]

Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.


A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”


The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."

The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"

The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"


What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.


What do you call a judge gone bad?

Senator.


What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

Your honor.



How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.