JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[dr_ml422]

Lmao once again. Good one as always burrell.

I don't think this one is too bad. Hope not.

"Remember your first sexual experience?"

"No I don't."

"Close your fist and move it side to side. Now do you remember?"

[Abuilder]

dr_ml422
No, I don't think that would help Cynthia remember at all.

[dr_ml422]

At least most of us can identify.

[dr_ml422]

Anyone seen a midget lately? Where did they disappear to? It's a small world, and I haven't ran into 1 in a while.

[PurpleDemon]

Kentucky Funeral

As a young minister in Kentucky , I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.


I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.


The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.


I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

[PurpleDemon]

*I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joey, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Joey clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Joey grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?''

*No,' I replied.

*'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
*So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little brat.

[dr_ml422]

burrell you just made my night. I'm cracking up here as I type. I used to know many good ones myself. Maybe they'll come back to me one day. Been getting a lot of senior moments lately.

[PurpleDemon]

Sometimers??? Sometimes you remember, sometimes you don't??

Happy to make your night. Thanks

[PurpleDemon]

Be Careful On The Bus

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize... you need to break wind!

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your Ipod.

[gonwk]

What is 710 Knob

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten knob.. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten knob?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here .

[dr_ml422]

This thread makes my day sometimes. I just finished cracking up after hitting that link. good 1 gonwk.

Blonde Logic
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

[dr_ml422]

Ice Fishing
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

"There are no fish under the ice!!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"


Blonde Praying for Help from God
There was a blonde woman named, Cindy, that was in deep financial problems.
So she got on her knees and prayed "Dear
God, please let me win the lottery. I really need your help or
I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else." She doesn't
win. The next day she prays to God "God! I really really need
your help! I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else."
Once again, she doesn't win. The next day she says the same
prayer; then God speaks to her " Cindy! work with me here, BUY
A TICKET!!"


3 People in a Airplane
Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy
who
was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came
down
and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"

[drfsupercenter]

I heard that last joke, but a different variant. (Maybe because it's one we told at Boy Scouts?)

The one I heard went like this:

There were three guys in a plane. The pilot told them to each throw out the weapon they disliked the most. Two guys threw out a knife and one guy threw out a bomb.
A news reporter was walking around and saw a little boy crying. He asked why the boy was crying, and he said "A knife fell out of the sky and killed my dog!" The reporter then saw a little girl crying, and she said "A knife fell out of the sky and killed my cat!"
He then saw a little boy laughing hysterically. When asked what was so funny, the boy replied "My dad farted and the building behind us blew up!"

I know another "three men in a plane" joke too but it's a bit racist and the last thing I need's another infraction... I'm sure it's been heard before though.

[PurpleDemon]

Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"

This was a new one to me. I loved it.

Thanks

[dr_ml422]

Glad you liked it.

Are blondes really that dumb? Ask Jennifer Aniston. All Brad wanted was a kid. Now he has 3 or 4 or w/e and Angelina Jolie. I'll reconsider getting hitched for those luscious lips alone.