JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[PurpleDemon]

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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[PurpleDemon]

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away.
A gentleman approached her & said, 'Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?'
'Yes, I know,' said the lady. 'But I need my hands to hold onto my hat.'
But madam, he said, 'you must know that you're derriere is exposed!'
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, '
Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!'

[Abuilder]

burrell
If I were ADMIN, I'd give Cynthia admin rights so she could flag your account COPPA.

Running and hiding!!!!!!

[PurpleDemon]

I did not see anything offensive. Plus it would never apply to her. She will never look 85 even at 85.

[salionmelisa]

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess Who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

well, i like your jokes! very funny!

[PurpleDemon]

Blonde comes home from work, her house is on fire...she calls 911,
"Help! Help! my house is on fire!"
The dispatch asks her, "Okay calm down, now how do we get to your house?"
The blonde says...very seriously..."The BIG RED TRUCK duh!"

[dr_ml422]

I saw this one somewhere. it's a goodie. You have a great arsenal burrell.

[saraQ]

very funny~~~~~~~~~~~~

[PurpleDemon]

[dr_ml422]

This is great. Had a hectic couple of days so comic relief was well suited. Thnx.

[PurpleDemon]

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

This is hysterical. Just try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are
some things that the brain cannot handle.

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!
It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............ This will confuse your mind
and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your
foot, but, you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right
foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know
how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again,
if you've not already done so.

[PurpleDemon]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was just another false alarm another & stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea & was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets & threw them out of the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing & swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, & ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), & who had watched the whole incident, walked up & asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost?! "

[PurpleDemon]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

[PurpleDemon]

Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.









A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill..'




One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'






The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'








A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

[PurpleDemon]

Priceless

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, breakfast is prepared set alongside the morning paper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! While Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,... "LADY, LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!!"

Moral of the story :

Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "