JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[lfcrule1972]

Pure class

[rsmober]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come
home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

" Thi s is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came
home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

" This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner"?

His funeral will be held Thursday.

[superman217]

College Entrance Exam: For Football Players

College Entrance Exam: For Football Players
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS

9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.


How many of you can relate to this? I know i can from high school years

[drfsupercenter]

Very true, all the football players at my school are idiots. Anyone ever get into college on a computer nerd scholarship though?

[drfsupercenter]

My mom emailed these to me:


I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them." -George Bush, US President

"Please provide the date of your death." -from an IRS letter

"We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." -Parish Magazine

Sure, the pesticide chlordane is going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. -- Rita Mae Brown

My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.--Groucho Marx

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. -- W.C.Fields

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City: Are You Fat And Ugly? Do You Want To Be Just Ugly? Memberships Available Now.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. -- Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and be quiet.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Education is what you get from reading the fine print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.

Don't be so humble, you're not that great.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too.

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

[uufta]

Subject: SENIORS ARE PROUD PEOPLE

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill. Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then He said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???," cried Sam!! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Sam, I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled "guilty" and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[Aegmorgil]

This one's for Indian Princess...

> > A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
> > appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
>However,
> > the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his
crotch.
> >
> > Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told
> > him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up

> > enough
>so
> > he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
> >
> > Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
> > adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
> > Written in large black letters was the sentence.
> >
> > "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[blutach]

@uufta -

Regards

[uufta]

> This is an oldie but goodie. For you youngsters, just wait, your turn
>is coming.
>El Viejo
>
>
> " Test for Dementia"
> >
> >
> > "It's that time of year to take your Annual Senior Citizen test."
> > Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
>As
> >we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use
>it,
> >you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss
>of
> >intelligence.
> >
> >
> >
> > Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or
>not.
> >The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your
>
> >answer.
> > OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. What do you put in a toaster?
> >
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> > Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and go do
>something
> >else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
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> > Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the
>next
> >question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
> >yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
> >However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made
> >from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black
> >house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
> >
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> >
> > Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
>bricks,"
> >why are you still reading these???
> > If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
> >
> >
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> >
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> >
> > 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
>
> >Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided
>
> >into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO
> >engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is
>also
> >failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine
> >fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack-dab in the
>
> >middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. "Where
> >would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's
> >land"?
> >
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> > Answer: You don't bury survivors.
> >
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> >
> > If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop NOW! If
>
> >you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London
>to
> >Milford Haven in Wales... In London, 17 people get on the bus; In
>Reading,
> >six people get off the bus and nine people get on... In Swindon, two
> >people get off and four get on... In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16
> >people get on... In Swansea, three people get off and five people get
>on...
> >In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on... You then arrive at
> >Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
> >
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> > Answer: "Oh, for crying out loud!"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

[dazuk1972]

Go on, make our day - give us all a chuckle.

But, please, no offensive content.

Regards

I know a good joke with Dirty Harry but I can't tell it here because it's rude and it's better said and not written.

[dazuk1972]

I WILL

Good picture of Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry.

Darren.

[dazuk1972]

Granny Condom Smokers

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers

"It doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

[dazuk1972]

Watching A Porn Film In The Cinema

The other evening I had a hard time trying to watch a porn film in the cinema. It was hard because some pr**k sitting in front of me had his big head in the way.

[Aegmorgil]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.

She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed .

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

thought.....
thought.....
thought.....
thought.....
thought.....
thought.....

thought.....

thought.....

thought.....

thought.....

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[Kabuchan]

@ Aegmorgil