Todays Joke

[Enchanter]

What is Marketing?

What is Marketing?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's DIRECT MARKETING.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's PUBLIC RELATION .

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's TELEMARKETING.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's ADVERTISING .

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's BRAND RECOGNITION.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's CUSTOMER FEEDBACK.

[Enchanter]

MAN'S FIVE MOST DREADED QUESTIONS

MAN'S FIVE MOST DREADED QUESTIONS.

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Nothing.
b. Football.
c. Jennifer Lopez.
d. How fat you are.
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died?

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you"

Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4: Do you think she is prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would> spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (Makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.

WOMAN: ...silence...

MAN: Sh*t!

[Enchanter]

Moral of the Story

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way,
my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that
one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when
quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It
had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to
me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires
for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to
overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total
shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get
me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight
towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes
he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."


The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car...



p.s. It's not me in the story (in case some people misunderstood).

[anonymez]

lol awesome jokes
glad this thread is active again

[MPS]

how's this? :

"- Sir, I would like to ask your daughter to marry me.
- Have you spoken to my wife?
- Yes, she's fine, but I prefer the daughter."

[MPS]

or this one:

"At 4 o'clock the telephone rings in a professor's house. Half-asleep he answers it:
- Hellooo.... uaahhh... who's there?
- Are you asleep? - he hears a couple of voices.
- Yes... - answers the prof.
- AND WE ARE STILL LEARNING YOU FU,CKER!"

[tigerman8u]

A Man Is A King, A King Is A Ruler, A Ruler Is 12 Inches, Still Think Your A Man?..

[MPS]

it depends the size of what are those 12''

[atifsh]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many
will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with
the first gun shot."

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking,"

Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU.

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third one is
biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and
sucked the cone"

Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the
wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
__________________________________________________

[atifsh]

anotherone.........


Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
The teacher asked "How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!" said his father.
Then she asked me "How much is 3x2?"
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.

Johnny replied, "That's what I said"!

[Mig$y]

quality atifsh!

this made me chuckle....

http://funtavern.com/flash/flash6.shtml

[t3ch]

haha

[atifsh]

best true life joke in months....

my cousin was changing his email address quite regularly, he always change to new one in almost a month time. so i get really really annoyed one day and asked him why the hell u do this...... and the reply was ..............

because it always gets full in a months time and i cant use it anymore so i make new one........

[reboot]

"Windows has detected your mouse moved. Restart now?"
NT3.51

[dunc4n]

atifsh i dont' understand that 'joke' xplain it 4 me