Todays Joke

[MPS]

what's not to understand the cousin is well... challenged as far as email is concerned

[atifsh]

Originally posted by dunc4n
atifsh i dont' understand that 'joke' xplain it 4 me

man i hope ur not like my cousin jokin. what u didnt understand..... its a true story/joke of my cousin.........

still dont understan use hotmail with every subscribtion u can choose and ill ask u again in a month time lol..............

[MPS]

:>

[Fook Yu]

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

[atifsh]

where r u now ?

not exactly a joke...........

A mother and a baby camel were lazing around, and suddenly the baby
camel asked....
Baby: Mother, mother, may I ask you some questions? Mother: Sure! Why son, is there something bothering you?

Baby: Why do camels have humps?
Mother: Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water.
Baby: Okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded?
Mother: Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert, you know with these legs I can move around the desert better than anyone does! (Mother said proudly).
Baby: Okay, then why are our eyelashes long? Sometimes it bothers my sight.
Mother: My son, those long thick eyelashes are your protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind. Said mother camel with eyes rimming with pride....
Baby: I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert and these eye lashes protect my eyes from the desert......

Then what the hell are we doing here in the Zzzoooooo!!!!!!???
MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Skills, knowledge, abilities and experiences are only useful if you are at the right place"

So............
(Where are you right now ????????)

[Fook Yu]

The Grievance:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

-You do not work 8 hours straight.
-You fall asleep after brief work periods.
-You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
-You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
-You must be stimulated in order to start working
-You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
-You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
-You will retire well before you are 65.
-You are unable to work double shifts.
-You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
assigned task.
-And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

Management

[Fook Yu]

http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf

[Watson]

[Jack Lurker]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[tigerman8u]

good one jack

[anonymez]

good one

[Jack Lurker]

A driver is pulled over by a police man.
Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it four times for drink driving.
Officer: I see, can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the boot if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer #2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle.
Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer #2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Man: Murdered the owner?
Officer #2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please.

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

Officer #2: Is this your car sir?
Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer #2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer #2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.


This is one of my favorites:

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[anonymez]

LOL blonde one is awesome... where are you getting all these???

[Alien Bay]

After many long years of continuous headaches, Joe visits the doctor.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he
was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered
the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor
eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the
tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired
himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe
thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said,
"Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right,
how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the
shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about
some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back,
eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I
got you! I've worn size 3 4 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache."


New suit = $400
New shirt = $ 36
New underwear = $ 6
Second opinion PRICELESS

[Jack Lurker]

If I tell you where I get them you will post all the best ones yourself!!!


A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."




Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall when a flower show was in progress. One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall, followed by loud applause.

The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.

"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for The Best Dried Arrangement!"






Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"