Todays Joke

[jill t]

Stupid Questions


"How do they fit all that hot air into blow dryers? Why don't they ever run out?"

"Do oysters get bored? How can you tell?"

"I say that a song popular during the 1950's went 'Oooh eee ooh ah ah wing wang walla bing bang, ooh eee ooh ah ah wing wang walla walla bing bang.' My boyfriend insists it went, 'Oooh eee ooh ah ah ching chang walla bing bang, ooh eee ooh ah ah ching chang walla walla bing bang.' Who is correct."

"Could you please tell me the number of shades of green? After driving around and looking at the scenery, I've decided there must be many."

"Is the earth at a different angle in the morning than it is at night? In the morning I have to put something against the front door to hold it open. At night, it stays open by itself."

"I've heard that people have magnetism in their noses. Is this true?"

"It appears to me that in the past 100 years, an overwhelming amount of progress has been made in the world. What did all those people do for the first 2000 years?"

"I do not understand women. Would the study of quantum mechanics help?"

"If M&Ms melt in your mouth but not in your hands, what about your underarm? I want to test it, but my mom won't let me.

[jill t]

How To Catch A Lion In The Sahrah Desert

The Method Of Inversive Geometry:
We place a spherical cage in the desert and enter it. We then perform
an inverse operation with respect to the cage. The lion is then inside
the cage and we are outside.

The Set Theoretic Method:
We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains
an enumerable dense set of points from which can be extracted a sequence
having the lion as the limit. We then approach the lion stealthily along
this sequence bearing with us suitable equipment.

Topological Method:
We observe that the lion has at least the connectivity of the torus.
We transport the desert into four-space. It is then possible to carry
out such a deformation that the lion can be returned to 3-space in a
knotted condition. He is then helpless.

The Dirac Method:
We observe that wild lions are ipso facto not observable in the Sahara
desert. Consequently, if there are any lions in Sahara, then they are
tame. The capture of a tame lion is left as an exercise for the reader.

The Thermodynamic Method:
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which is permeable to everything
except lions and sweep it across the desert.

The Schrodinger Method:
At any given moment there is a positive probability that there is a
lion in the cage. Sit down and wait.

Heisenberg Method:
You will disturb the Lion when you observe it before capturing. So Keep
your eyes closed.

Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. The relative velocity
makes the lion run faster and hence it feels heavier and gets tired.

[jill t]

Humorous (?) Facts To Live By
Short List

* Ugly people should not reproduce!
* You can not talk sense to an idiot!
* Opinions are like noses, everyone has one!
* Never throw a brick straight up!
* Common sense isn't common!
* Do not eat yellow snow!
* There may be a reason for that 'warm spot' in your pool!
* Instructions are not intended for morons, morons don't read the instructions!
* Never attempt to sit on a live Water Buffalo!
* Some people are alive only because it is against the law to kill them!
* Never squat with your spurs on!
* If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'!
* Always drink upstream from the herd!
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin'it back!
* Never try to baptize a cat.
* A day without sunshine is like . . . . night
* All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
* Never try to teach a pig to sing, it only annoys the pig and wastes your time!

[jill t]

A
# You have to be at least 58.5 inches to be an astronaut. (Click here)
# Unique animals. Hippopotami cannot swim (ppl have said that a hippo can swim, but i dont think its classified as swimming. I'll check), whales can't swim backwards, tarantulas can't spin webs, crocodiles can't chew and hummingbirds can't walk
# Ants

* Ants make up 1/10 of the total world animal tissue
* An ant can survive for up to two days underwater.
* The animal with the largest brain in proportion to its size is the ant.
* Ants dont sleep. Thanx teepo (apparently noone can be sure since they don't have eyelids, they also have no need for sleep)
* Ants taste like sweet tarts. (from experience..)Thanx RiffSingr

# Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
# The weight of air in a milk glass is about the same as the weight of one aspirin. (But one also wonders how big a milk glass is... anyone?)
# The gases emitted from a banana or an apple can help an orange ripen. (Not sure which fruits are concerned).
# Adolph Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only 1, and i repeat, ONE, testicle.
# Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones were once roommates. Thanx Rebecca
# Australia is a major exporter of camels
# Australia has no native monkeys. (in the wild)
# Australia's box jellyfish has toxins more potent than the venom in cobras, and is one of the most dangerous jellyfish in the world
# Apparently 1/3 of people with alarm clocks hit the 'snooze' button every morning, and from 25-34 age group, it is over 1/2. (r u 1 of them?)
# Hans Christian Anderson, creater of fairy tales, was word-blind. He never learned to spell correctly, and his publishers always had errors
# On average, Americans spend about 6 months of their lives waiting at red traffic lights
# There is air in space, but very little of it. In fact, it is equivalent to a marble in a box 5 miles wide. Most of the gas is captured by the gravitational pull of other celestial bodies.Thanx M.Lerner
# Abdul Kassam Ismael, Grand Vizier of Persia in the tenth century, carried his library with him wherever he went. Four hundred camels carried the 117,000 volumes.

[jill t]

B

# Most caucasian babies are born with dark blue eyes, although it normally changes colour after child birth.
# Believe that Buddha, Moses, Jesus, Muhammad... are all prophets from God? Have you heard of the baha'i faith?
# You're born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only have 206. (apparently they fuse together such as the parietal, occipital of the skull) thanx Christie
# One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet
# Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete. Wow... utterly amazing huh
# The only jointless bone in your body is the hyoid bone in your throat
# A Baboon called "Jackie" became a private in the South African army in World War I.
# Bats always turn left when exiting a cave. < == ( the arrow is pointing left. Just in case)
# The body can function without a brain. And anyone who has walked around the city on a Saturday night will know what I mean.
# It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.
# You sit on the biggest muscle in your body, the gluteus maximus a.k.a the butt. Each of the two cheeky muscles tips the scales at about two pounds (not including the overlying fat layer). The tiniest muscle, the stapedius of the middle ear, is just one-fifth of an inch long.
# Butterflies taste with their feet.
# You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
# Butterflies cannot fly if their body temperature is less than 86 degrees.
# Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and white worms like fried pork rinds.
# Bees

* Bees can see ultraviolet light.
* Most honey bees die after it stings people as our skin is elastic, unsuitable for their stingers which are meant for harder inelastics skins. Their venom glands are also torn out in the process. (So removing the stinger by piching the tip is well, in one word, dumb.jk)Thanx Mr Tuvai
* A bee could travel 4 million miles (6.5 million km) at 7 mph (11 km/h) on the energy it would obtain from 1 gallon (3.785 liters) of nectar, or it could just sit down on and enjoy that honey properly.

# There is more bacteria in your mouth than the human population of U.S and Canada combined. Thanx Julie for this and a couple more
# Over billions of years, black holes become white holes and they spit out all of the things they sucked in. the atoms are completely jumbled, so no one knows what will ever come out. Theoratically they'll also turn into a white hole. If you were unfortunate enough to fall within one, you would never actually hit -- because time would stop at some point within the event horizon (space outside) of the black hole. Thanx De Composed
# The Burramundy, a fish, grows up as a male, but after 2 years or so, it turns into a female to breed. (i think papaya(papua?) trees are the same)
# The first bar code was used on Wrigleys gum
# Apparently, according to Playtex, the best selling bra sizes these days are 34B and 36B. (hmmm...)
# Birds are largely unaffected by spicy things, like chilies, as they not sensitive to capsaicin, the hot stuff in chilies.
# A bean has more DNA per cell than a human cell
# Bulls are not attracted to the colour redThanx Gwynovere C.
# Human babies are born 2 months prematurely for our size and lifespan, to accomodate for the fact that we have large brains during birth. (Got this off my lecture).
# Babies crawl an average of 200m a day
# Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
# Barbies full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts
# If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck
# If you put a piece of scotch tape on an inflated balloon, then stick it with a small pin or needle, it won't pop.Thanx harrison
# Bruce Lee was the Hong Kong 'cha cha' dance champion in 1958.(Hang on... Bruce Lee a cha cha king? This i gotta see) He was also an American born in San Francisco and had a German grandfather. THanx Mrtan787
# What does a Dead Leaf, Paper Kite, Blue Striped Crow,Julia and Great Egg Fly have in common? They're all butterflies!Thanx Bijou
# The BEAVER, is America's largest rodent and can remain underwater for 20 minutes! erm... sealions can do that as well (just something random)
# Gutzon Borglum, the sculptor of the four Presidents on Mount Rushmore, died a few months before the project was completed. It took him 14 years.
# A boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight (120ft).
# Eating breakfast will help you burn from 5-20% more calories throughout the day.
# Bamboo can grow up to 36 inches in a day.

[jill t]

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enogh, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and preceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed thet it was.

So the professor the picked up a box of pebbles and poored them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now" said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents life. The golf balls are the important things-your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, you would still be full."

The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else-the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jars first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18 holes."

"There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

[blutach]

Gutzon Borglum, the sculptor of the four Presidents on Mount Rushmore, died a few months before the project was completed. It took him 14 years.

It took him 14 years to die? Now, that's a slow death. Couldn't he have at least bloody well finished Mount Rushmore while he was carcing it?

Regards

[blutach]

Take your spouse out to dinner

She makes sure that I do

Play another 18 holes.

She makes sure that I don't!

Regards

[tigerman8u]

Quote:
Play another 18 holes.

She makes sure that I don't

you are talking about golf ?

[jill t]

Blu doesn't play golf

[jill t]

Good And Great Friends

A good friend will bail you out of jail.

A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,"Damn, that was fun!"

[jill t]

Deep Thoughts

Why are they calledapartments if they are joined together?

An archaeologist is a best husband a woman can get. As older she grows, the more interested he isin her.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?

I love being married. It’s so great to find that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Anyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito.

I wear my wife’s glasses because she wants me to see things her way.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

[jill t]

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Sadly I have friends like this, I'm sure it's nothing a won't fix

[blutach]

A deeply philosophical day for you today, I see, Jilly.

Regards

[DiscoInferno]

When a man volunteers to barbecue, the following chain of events are put
into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand. Then comes the important part.
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
Then,
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS
IT TO THE WOMAN.
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
Then,
(10) Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women....!