JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[drfsupercenter]

LOL, my parents are coaching me on driving, I just hate when they go "WHY DIDN'T YOU LOOK RIGHT BEFORE YOU TURN"... like "sorry I forgot?"

[Kabuchan]

I hate people who tailgate. If they won't pass me (and I'm not a slow driver), I just take my foot off the gas.

[Old Gal]

Tailgaters. I love them.

I just touch my brake pedal for a good scare. Pisses them off and they back off a bit. Others, pass with a finger and they get one back.

[drfsupercenter]

They taught us to step on the brakes if you're being tailgated, as it makes them slow down. Luckily the only times I've been tailgated is when I get off to a slow start on a green light, but that clears up fast.

[Aegmorgil]

A recent survey revealed that the average American walks
900 miles per year.

Another survey revealed that the average American consumes
20 gallons of beer per year.

Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon.

[Aegmorgil]

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit,flower in his lapel smelling slightly of
a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into
an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking
lady, (mid eighties).

The gentlema n walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,
takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here
often?"

<><><><><><> <>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just
sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

<><><><><><><>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm
83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're
about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair,no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says,"No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

" Twelve thirty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor
spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a Hot mamma and
be cheerful.'

"The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And finally

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[locoeng]

Tennessee Ten Commandments

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language.... no joke, read on...

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN.)

(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(7) No killin'
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.

I'm sure you've heard all these before chewy. LOL

[locoeng]

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is!"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can!"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do!"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is!"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."

[locoeng]

Hillary Clinton was spending the morning at a primary school in Ithaca, New
York to talk to the children about her job as a US Senator.

After her talk, she offered question time. One little boy puts up his hand,
and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - Whatever happened to your medical health
care plan? Second - Why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office? And third - Whatever happened to all the stuff you and
President Clinton took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rang for recess. Hillary Clinton informed the kids that
they
would continue after recess.

When they resumed, Hillary said, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right,
question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy raised his hand; the esteemed Senator from New York
pointed him out and asked him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions: First - Whatever happened to your medical health
care plan? Second - Why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office? Third - Whatever happened to all the stuff you and
President Clinton took when you left the White House? Fourth - Why did the
recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - What happened to Kenneth?"

[locoeng]

I've had this exchange with my wife many a night...

Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."

[locoeng]

Subject: Marine Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He
rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to he lp the government, so I told the CIA and
they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... the
United States Marines ... you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil
Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a
dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I
knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I
retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for
a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. Hell, he was in
the Navy!"

[Aegmorgil]

NEW WORDS FOR 2007
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!


1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

[locoeng]

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

I'm very familiar with this one...

[Experi-Mentor]

Prison Break

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll Kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were very cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[uufta]

What a fine woman/wife she'll make!
>A teacher asked her class, what do you want out of life?" A little girl in
>the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four
>little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals
>would that be sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in
>the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay
>for all of it."
>
>The teacher fainted.
>