JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

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  • uufta
    Digital Video Expert
    Digital Video Expert
    • Dec 2005
    • 635

    the curtain rods.

    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
    suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
    room table by candlelight; put on some soft background music, and feasted on
    a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of springwater.

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few
    half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of each curtain
    rod.

    She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his
    new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

    Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

    They tried everything: cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

    Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.


    Air fresheners were hung everywhere Exterminators were brought in to set
    off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in
    the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
    worked.

    People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
    The maid quit.

    Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not
    find a buyer for their stinky house.

    Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their
    calls.

    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
    new place.

    The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

    He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said
    that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
    divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price
    that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were
    to sign the papers that very day.

    She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.


    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
    moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

    And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!

    Comment

    • uufta
      Digital Video Expert
      Digital Video Expert
      • Dec 2005
      • 635

      Dead Hard Drive Fix

      It's really not too difficult fixing your own hard drive, if the problem is a head crash, or the infamous Seagate "stiction" problem, if you know what to do. You will require #4/0 steel wool, paint thinners, WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45 minutes.

      - First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed before you begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench. Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with paint thinners. Bend the read/write heads out of the way, and then disassemble the platter stack.

      - VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #4/0 steel wool. This will remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help to redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those pesky "bad sectors" that most drives have.

      - Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the read/write heads back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge to set the gap. This is slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it reduces the chance of head collisions with any flotsam you neglected to remove.

      - Give the heads and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit. If your drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.

      All that's left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you're back in business. I haven't tried this myself, but my friend's wife's sister-in-law's husband knows a technician that does it all the time....

      Comment

      • uufta
        Digital Video Expert
        Digital Video Expert
        • Dec 2005
        • 635

        (Send to friends)

        Can you cry under water?

        How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

        Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

        Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

        Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

        What disease did cured ham actually have?

        How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

        Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

        If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

        Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

        Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

        Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
        They're going to see you naked anyway.

        Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

        Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

        If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there
        a stupid song about him?

        Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

        If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

        Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
        They're both dogs!

        If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
        why didn't he just buy dinner?

        If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

        If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

        Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
        have the same tune?

        Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

        Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside
        the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

        Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
        he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride,
        he sticks his head out the window?

        Do you ever wonder why you gave me
        your e-mail address in the first place?

        Comment

        • uufta
          Digital Video Expert
          Digital Video Expert
          • Dec 2005
          • 635

          At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of
          them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the
          weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big
          party.

          They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all
          day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
          Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they
          would explain to their professor why they missed it.

          They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat
          tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could
          make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They
          studied that night for the exam.

          The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
          They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points. Cool, they
          thought! Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be
          easy.... then they turned the page.

          On the second page was written....

          For 95 points: Which tire? ________________

          Comment

          • soup
            Just Trying To Help
            • Nov 2005
            • 7524

            The spare, did I get 95 points?

            Comment

            • uufta
              Digital Video Expert
              Digital Video Expert
              • Dec 2005
              • 635

              Originally Posted by soup
              The spare, did I get 95 points?

              No...EH!

              Comment

              • uufta
                Digital Video Expert
                Digital Video Expert
                • Dec 2005
                • 635

                10 BEST GOLF CADDY RESPONSES


                # 10 -- Golfer: 'Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.'
                Caddy: 'Think you can keep your head down that long?'

                # 9 -- Golfer: 'I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.'
                Caddy: 'Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.'

                # 8 -- Golfer: 'Do you think my game is improving?'
                Caddy: 'Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.'


                # 7 -- Golfer: 'Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?' >
                Caddy: 'Eventually.'

                # 6 -- Golfer: 'You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.'
                Caddy: 'I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.'

                # 5 -- Golfer: 'Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.' Caddy: 'It's not a watch - it's a compass. '

                # 4 -- Golfer: 'How do you like my game?'
                Caddy: 'Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.'

                # 3 -- Golfer: 'Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?'
                Caddy: 'The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.'

                # 2 -- Golfer: 'This is the worst course I've ever played on.'
                Caddy: 'This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.'

                And the #1 Best Caddy Comment.....

                # 1 -- Golfer: 'That can't be my ball, it's too old.'
                Caddy: 'It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.'
                >

                Comment

                • soup
                  Just Trying To Help
                  • Nov 2005
                  • 7524

                  Originally Posted by uufta
                  No...EH!
                  Damn! too obvious EH?

                  Comment

                  • uufta
                    Digital Video Expert
                    Digital Video Expert
                    • Dec 2005
                    • 635

                    Originally Posted by soup
                    Damn! too obvious EH?
                    Remember they are college kids, and Duke no less..

                    Comment

                    • uufta
                      Digital Video Expert
                      Digital Video Expert
                      • Dec 2005
                      • 635

                      Wtf...

                      YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      > Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!
                      >
                      >
                      > YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
                      >
                      >
                      > This is pretty neat
                      >
                      > DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
                      > It takes less than a minute .
                      > Work this out as you read ..
                      > Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
                      > This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      > 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
                      > (more than once but less than 10)
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      > 2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      > 3. Add 5
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      > 4. Multiply it by 50
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      > 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ...
                      > If you haven't, add 1756.
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      > 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      > You should have a three digit number
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      > The first digit of this was your original number
                      > (I.e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      > The next two numbers are
                      >
                      > YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      >
                      > THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

                      Comment

                      • Aegmorgil
                        Super Member
                        Super Member
                        • Nov 2005
                        • 232

                        WOMAN'S POEM

                        Before I lay me down to sleep,
                        I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

                        One who's handsome, smart and strong.
                        One who loves to listen long,

                        One who thinks before he speaks,
                        One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

                        I pray he's gainfully employed,
                        When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

                        Pulls out my chair and opens my door,


                        Massages my back and begs to do more.

                        Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,


                        Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

                        I pray that this man will love me to no end,


                        and always be my very best friend.

                        _______________________________________________

                        MAN'S POEM

                        I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar
                        on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
                        This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

                        Comment

                        • Experi-Mentor
                          Digital Video Master
                          Digital Video Master
                          • Nov 2004
                          • 1456

                          When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
                          Lee Majors

                          After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
                          Al Gore

                          By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
                          Socrates

                          Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
                          Mike Tyson

                          The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
                          George Clooney

                          I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
                          Bill Clinton

                          "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
                          George W. Bush

                          "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
                          Rudy Giuliani

                          "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
                          Michael Jordan

                          "I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." The third gave me more children!
                          Donald Trump

                          Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
                          1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
                          2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
                          Shaquille O'Neal

                          The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
                          Kobe Bryant

                          You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
                          David Hasselhoff

                          My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
                          Alec Baldwin

                          A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
                          Barack Obama

                          Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
                          Tommy Lee

                          A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
                          Brad Pitt

                          First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
                          Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
                          Jimmy Kimmel



                          "Honey, what happened to 'ladies first'?" Husband replies, "That's the reason why the world's a mess today, because a lady went first!"
                          David Letterman



                          "First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after...comes Suffer...ing!
                          Jay Leno

                          Comment

                          • uufta
                            Digital Video Expert
                            Digital Video Expert
                            • Dec 2005
                            • 635

                            Mama's Bible


                            Four brothers left home for college and they all became successful doctors and prospered.Some years later they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived in a far city.

                            The first one said,"I had that big house built for Mama"

                            Second son said," I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

                            Third son. "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her,"

                            Fourth son,"You know mama loved reading the Bible and she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible.It took twenty preachers and twelve years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

                            The other brothers were very impressed with that story.

                            After the holidays Mama sent out her thank you notes.

                            Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room,but I have to clean the whole house.Thanks anyway"

                            "Marvin, I am too old to travel .I never leave the house and I have my groceries delivered,so I never use the Mercedes. but I appreciate the thought,"

                            "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound,it could hold 50 people but all my friends are dead. I"ve lost my hearing and I"m nearly blind. I'll never use it,
                            Thank you for the gesture just the same."

                            "Darling Melvin , you are the only one with the good sense to give some thought to your gift.That chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."


                            LUV YA, MAMA

                            Comment

                            • locoeng
                              Who Farted?
                              • Dec 2005
                              • 2509

                              Canadian joke

                              Two Newfies, Jarge and Eli, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging

                              through the boat's provisions, Jarge stumbled across an old lamp. He

                              rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however,

                              stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

                              Jarge immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into Molson

                              Canadian beer."

                              The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the

                              area turned into beer and the genie vanished.

                              Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the

                              two men considered their circumstances.

                              Eli looked disgustedly at Jarge whose wish had been granted. After a

                              long, tension-filled moment Eli said, "Nice going Jarge! ........Now

                              we're going to have to piss in the boat."


                              "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. It's not fair to you and no challenge for us."
                              Walt Kelly

                              Comment

                              • Gary D
                                Lord of Digital Video
                                Lord of Digital Video
                                • Dec 2005
                                • 2266

                                The Outhouse

                                Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

                                One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

                                Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
                                Gary D

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