JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[drfsupercenter]

Someone said these in a chatroom I was in:

-Even if you are on the right track, you'll still get run over if you just sit there
-Aim for the moon because even if you miss, you will land among the stars
-Government is like gravity, it doesn't matter whether you believe in it or not, accept it
-Do you know why there are so many blonde jokes? Because the brunettes have nothing better to do while all the blondes are out on dates.
-Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
-Home is where the television is
-When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets
-I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours
-An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing
-What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film
-I once got batteries for my kids at Xmas. I put a label on them saying "Toys not included"
-Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else
-I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem
-Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?
-Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up
-Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words

[uufta]

Recipe For A Perfect Marriage..

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
Little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas

3. I take my wife everywhere.....
But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
Anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
Bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
For the garbage?" ... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
First name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"


(Red Skelton)

[uufta]

THE SHOPPERS
A man walked into a fur store accompanied by beautiful, stacked redhead. "Show my new girlfriend your finest mink," he announced loudly. The storeowner quickly retrieved a full coat, which the redhead tried on and loved. "That coat costs $100,000," the shop owner said. "No problem," the man smiled, "I'll write you a check in full for it right now." "Wonderful!" beamed the shop owner, "Since today is Friday, I'll just hold it for you to pick up on Monday after your check has had a chance to clear the bank." The happy couple left the store. On Monday afternoon, the man returned alone, and was greeted by the owner angrily, "How dare you come back here and show your face again? Didn't you know your check would bounce because of insufficient funds?" "Oh, sure," smiled the happy customer, "But I just came by to thank you for the best weekend of my life."

[Experi-Mentor]

Shaky hands

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll
Remember this story:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy AAA pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

She asks: " Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"

[Experi-Mentor]

Three Women, Two Younger, And One Senior Citizen, Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna.
Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The Young Woman Pressed Her Forearm, And The Beep Stopped.
The Others Looked At Her Questioningly. "that Was My Pager," She Said. "i Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm."

A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Second Young Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand."

The Older Woman Felt Very Low-tech. Not To Be Out Done, She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive.
She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Rear End.
The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her.
The Older Woman Finally Said......... "well, Will You Look At That... I'm Getting A Fax!"

[Experi-Mentor]

An Irishman moves to the USA and attends his first Baseball game. The first batter approached the batter's box, took a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!"

The next batter hits a single, and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered: "RUN, RUN!" The Irishman enjoyed the game and began Screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "Walk"and the batter started his slow trot to first base.
The Irishman stood up and screamed,"R-R-Run,ye lazy bostard, run!"

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained:
"He can't run. He's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad, walk with Pride!!"

[Experi-Mentor]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
_______________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

[Experi-Mentor]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.
"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes"

The little girl screams in horror, "Don't eat it.... it's a f ***ing arse*ole!!"

[uufta]

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to
walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their
first legal drink. So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st
birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and
his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your Father,
grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July."

A Minnesota story!!!

[Aegmorgil]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager "Some a-hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentlemen kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy an said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding? Who did she play for?"

[Aegmorgil]

>>Golf at it's best...
>>
>>
>>
>>Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he
>>found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a
>>very good golfer.
>>
>>
>>
>>They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a
>>full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt
>>for
>>the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses.
>>
>>
>>
>>Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I
>>haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact,
>>pull over so I can express my appreciation."
>>
>>
>>
>>He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him
>>the
>>best oral sex he'd ever had.
>>
>>
>>
>>The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together
>>again.
>>They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and
>>playing
>>tight, competitive golf.
>>
>>
>>
>>Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive
>>home.
>>This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego
>>bruised, but not unhappy.
>>
>>
>>
>>On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all
>>this week and tonight I'd like to return the favor. I made reservations at
>>the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the
>>best hotel. What do you say?"
>>
>>
>>
>>Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"
>>
>>
>>
>>"What? Why not?" asked Dave.
>>
>>
>>
>>"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor
>>hasn't completed that part of me yet!"
>>
>>
>>
>>"What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed
>>madly, overcome with emotion.
>>
>>
>>
>>"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me."
>>
>>
>>
>>"You bastard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard!
>>All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"

[uufta]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you are willing to forgive your enemies?" 80 % held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady. "Mrs Jones?, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety eight." she replied. "Oh, Mrs Jones, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches ."

[Experi-Mentor]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea". He went next door to the butcher shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry-just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of whiskey.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "don't worry, I have a plan They downed their drinks. Murphy said "ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth".
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy-I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub !!!!!!!!"

[Experi-Mentor]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

[Experi-Mentor]

An old Cherokee Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief," one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done..."
The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it with no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did all the work, medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to the women."

The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that?"