JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[dr_ml422]

3 guys die and go to heaven. St. peter says ok. you guys are getting in. how can i make your stay as comfortable as possible.

one guy says i love money. give me all you got. st. peter says. done. and off he goes.

the 2nd guy says i love wine. love it all. st. peter says. done. and off he goes.

the last guy says i love to smoke. love cigarettes. st. peter says. done. and off he goes.

time passes and st. peter decides to check up on the 3 men.

he passes by the first man's home and hears a lot of shuffling and mumbling.

he knocks on the door and asks, everything alright. st. peter here.

the man says yeah. everything fine. come in. he does and he tells st. peter just counting my money. all my money.

st. pete goes to the 2nd man's house. hears some tumbling and stumbling. again knocks and asks. everything alright. st. pete here. the man tells him yes to come in. st. pete does and the man slurs and says. drinking my wine. all my wine. lil drunk.

st. pete passes by the 3rd man's man's house and hears signs of desperation and angst.
lot of moving and rustling. he knocks on the door and asks. st. pete here are you ok?
the man opens the door immediately and says. "got a match?"

[uufta]

A man kills a "deer" and takes it home to cook for
dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell
the kids what kind of
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let
them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on
their plates, so
begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me
sometimes."

"The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's
an a*shole"

[Gary D]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn't believe them."

[dr_ml422]

there was a king who had the most beautiful daughter. tired of warding off all potential suitors, he set aside a day so they could prove being worthy of her hand.

the day arrived and the king came out and said "any man that can swim from 1 side of this pool to the other w/out being eaten up by the sharks can have my daughter's hand in marriage."

1 man raised his hand and said, "Lord i'm the bravest man in the land. i shall swim from 1 end to the other and have your daughter's hand in marriage." the king nodded and the man jumped in. not even 1/2 way the sharks ate him up.

a 2nd man raised his hand and said, "Lord i'm the bravest man in the land. i'll swim across to the other side and have your daughter's hand in marriage." again the king nodded and the man jumped in. 1/2 way across the sharks ate him too.

All of a sudden there's this man in the pool and he's swimming like a mad man, dodging and weaving, fighting 4 his life. he makes it to the other side and gets out.

All cheer 4 him through out the land. the king rises and says, "young man, you're the bravest man in the land. you've proved your courage and worth, and shall have my daughter's hand in marriage. we'll prepare and have the finest wedding through out my land."

The young man looks at the king and says, " to hell w/your daughter. I want the man who threw me in the pool!!! "

[dr_ml422]

an airliner was flying over the atlantic when it started to experience some turbulence.
the stewardess got on the microphone and said, " Ladies and gentlemen it appears we're experiencing some heavy turbulence as the result of a powerful storm. we might have to make an emergency splash landing. those of you who can swim please go to the right side of the plane. those of you who can not please stay on your left. await any further instructions."

5 minutes later the stewardess gets on the mic and says," ladies and gentlemen, we're making an emergency splash landing. those of you on the right please exit out the emergency doors and swim to safety. those of you on the left. Thank you for flying TWA."

[dr_ml422]

lil mikey was passing all his classes except math. his mother helped him but he still couldn't pass. she got him a tutor after school and still couldn't pass. she was at her wits end when she took him out of the school he was in and sent him to a parochial school across town.

not a week later she noticed he was passing all his tests and quizzes. she asked, "mikey, you're doing great in math now. what happened? " Mikey replied, " when i saw that man on the plus sign i knew they weren't messing around."

[PurpleDemon]

Idiot Alert

We had to have the garage door repaired. The
Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
"large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we
had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his
head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was
larger than 1/4.
He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."
We
haven't used Sears repair since.



My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window
and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4 .25, so I also handed her a
quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this
way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the
manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the
quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The
clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not
confuse the clerks at McD's.

I live in a semi-rural area. We
recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too
many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place
for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas
City

I was at the airport, checking in
at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your
baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my
knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's w hy we ask."
Happened in Birmingham AL

The stoplight on the corner
buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the
buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is
red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people
doing
driving?!
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS



At a good-bye luncheon for an old
and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our
manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not
another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments

I work with an individual who
plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life,
couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the
Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


When my husband and I arrived at
an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been
locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger
side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply,
"I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in
Canton, Mississippi
STAY ALERT!

[dr_ml422]

there was this guy walking down the street w/a car door. finally someone asked him,"hey what are you doing walking around w/that car door?" the poor chap responded," in case it gets hot i can rool down the window."


3guys were left behind enemy lines, and feared for their life as 1 of them saw the enemy approaching. they decided to climb up a tree so as to not get spotted and killed. the enemy approached, and heard something moving in the 1st tree. they shouted,"who's up there. come out right now and surrender. the guy in the tree made like an owl, and so they kept moving. they came upon the 2nd tree and asked the same thing. the guy in that tree screeched like a monkey, and so they moved on. they finally heard a rukus a lil further down the road, and asked the same thing. the last guy mooed like a cow. all the enemy soldiers pointed their rifles toward the tree and sprayed it w/bullets.



this old man just got out of an insane asylum detoxing from alcohol. he had a couple of drinks and was firing down the road. a state trooper flagged him down, and came up to him, and asked,"are you outta your mind/ you was doing 90 in a 20 mph zone. the old man replied,"as a matter of fact i am, and i have the paper work to prove it."


fast food restaurants aren't so fast anymore.


how do you get yourself out of a hole? stop digging.

[PurpleDemon]

Anger Management

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could
I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right freakin
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I
had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an idiot!" and
hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word "idiot'" next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had
a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an "idiot!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "idiot" calling
would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
"Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm calling to see
if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an "idiot!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for
that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his
back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (by this
time I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the
BMW idiot, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse It's a yellow house, and
the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an "idiot!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two idiots to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Idiot #1.
"Hello."
"You're an idiot!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared," and hung up.
Then I called Idiot #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, Idiot," I said.
He yelled, " If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your butt," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, Idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at
34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray
Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I
got there just in time to watch two idiots beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a
news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

[folk]

Message

I'll better show you something. It's worth watchin'. Just keep lookin' at te boards
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</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[dr_ml422]

News Update. Bin Laden has just been captured. U.S. Armed Forces sprayed every cave in Afghanistan w/viagra, and Bin Laden popped out.

[uufta]

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on
the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

[dr_ml422]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1.Sip the vodka don't gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his as..
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7. The father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh.t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his as..
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, " Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not called, "Mary with the Che..y."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a pe..r pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

[atifsh]

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,
so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and
I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going
abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tution: I have work for a week, so you need
not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a
week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets
spend the week together.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: This week I am
spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend
that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss
has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend
this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my
teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I
can't give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this
week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement

[dr_ml422]

The great master Mat-su, as a youth, was a fanatic about sitting in meditation for hours at a time. One day, his patriarch's disciple Huai-jang asked him what on earth he hoped to attain by this compulsive cross-legged sitting. "Buddhahood," said Matsu.

Thereupon Huai-jang sat down, took a brick, and started to polish it assiduously. Mat-su looked at him, perplexed, and asked what he was doing.

"Oh," said Huai-jang, " I am making a mirror out of my brick." "You can polish it till doomsday," scoffed Mat-su, "you'll never make a mirror out out of a brick!"

"Aha!" smiled Huai-jang. "Maybe you are beginning to understand that you can sit until doomsday, it won't make you into a Buddah."