JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[jxlwxl001]

Give you a good recommendation

pass up our price cut cyberspace Medication web site. Your going to become sad if you miss it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_Say_No

[PurpleDemon]

pass up our price cut cyberspace Medication web site. Your going to become sad if you miss it.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_Say_No

Now that was funny but so is this.

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,’ Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

[Kabuchan]

Go to Google's home page and type in ' Find Chuck Norris ' and then click "I'm Feeling Lucky" ...

[jm1647]

Go to Google's home page and type in ' Find Chuck Norris ' and then click "I'm Feeling Lucky" ...

[dr_ml422]

A Preacher put this question to a class of children: "If all the good people in the world were red and all the bad people were green, what color would you be?"

Little Linda Jean thought mightily for a moment. Then her face brightened and she replied: "Reverend, I'd be streaky!"



The chief executive of a large company was greatly admired for his energy and drive. But he suffered from one embarrassing weakness: each time he entered the president's office to make his weekly report, he would wet his pants!

The kindly president advised him to see a urologist, at company expense. But when he appeared before the president the following week, his pants were again wet! "Didn't you see the urologist?" asked the president.

"No, he was out. I saw a psychiatrist instead, and I'm cured," the executive replied. "I no longer feel embarrassed!"



He was in a very bad state, very dark, very bitter, very angry. When asked what was the matter, he said, "Look at me; I've been here for 38 yrs., and I have not yet attained pure prayer." And this other fellow on the pilgrimage was saying how sad he thought this was.
Another man present said, "It's a sad story all right, but the sadness consists in the fact that after 38 yrs. in a monastery he's still interested in pure prayer."

[dr_ml422]

The difference between a diplomat and a lady.

When a diplomat says yes he means maybe. When a diplomat says maybe he means no. When a diplomat says no he's not a diplomat. When a lady says no she means maybe. When a lady says maybe she means yes. When a lady says yes she's not a lady.

[Kabuchan]

This is an actual book, not a joke. If you are offended by bad language, then only look at the pictures ...

http://www.complex.com/blogs/2008/05/07/no-regrets-book-shows-ridiculous-tattoos/

[gonwk]

Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper is Down
by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....
but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone h! is zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see ! your nuts.

[Altercuno]

+1 more... Your zippers at half mast and your flagpoles out... A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

[soup]

Gates vs GM:

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives,

read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto

industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars

that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics

(and I just love this part):


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.... .. ..Twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.


3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road,
close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.


4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart,
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.


5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to
drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.


6. The oil., water temperature., and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has
Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.


7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" beforE deploying.


8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.


9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of
the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.


10 . You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Kabuchan]

@ Soup - I didn't appreciate that joke until I got Vista ... LOL

[uufta]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
>>>> wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus
>>>> stopped and it was
>>>> her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight
>>>> to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the
>>>> bus. Slightly
>>>> embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
>>>> behind her to unzip her skirt a little,thinking that this would
>>>> give her enough
>>>> slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
>>>> discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once
>>>> again reached behind her to
>>>> unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted
>>>> the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her
>>>> leg. With a
>>>> little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
>>>> littlemore and again was unable to take the step. About this time,
>>>> a large Texan who was
>>>> standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed
>>>> her gently onthe step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to
>>>> the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body!
>>>> I don't even know you!'The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well,
>>>> ma'am,normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly
>>>> three times, I kinda figured we was friends...

[soup]

Lmao,

[gonwk]

To Y'All,

That is exactly what I would have done ... I guess that makes me a "Texan" at the Heart!

PS - uufta ... LOVED IT THANKS!

[Kabuchan]

I love Chuck Norris one-liners ...

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris can edit PDF files.

Chuck Norris has to chain his mouse to his desktop

Chuck Norris invented C++ after roundhouse kicking C - TWICE.

Chuck Norris monitor has no glare… no-one glares at Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.