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A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffffff, Fffffff, Fffffff, Fffffff'...
And before he could say "F**k", the rottweiler ate him!"Comment
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Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
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Eat healthy!!!
Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'Last edited by gonwk; 12 Nov 2008, 07:21 AM.Comment
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Obedient wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.' And, so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.' The loyal wife replied,' Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.' You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?' 'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
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Marijuana Filled Wood
Hello, is this the Sheriffs Office?
Yes. What can I do for you?
I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's
Hidin' marijunana inside his firewood! Don't
quite know how he gets it inside them>logs, but he's
hidin' it there.
Thank you very much for the call, sir.
The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. using
axes,they bust open every piece of wood, but find> no
marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd...Did the sheriff come?
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?
'Yep!>> 'Happy Birthday, buddy!
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I don't know if this is really a "joke" or not... but this song really cracked me up.
(Just click the play button to hear it)
It's making fun of all those spam emails about people with large sums of money in Nigeria.
--EDIT--
There's a direct link to the mp3.
@mods, everything from The FuMP is released under a Creative Commons Attribution Noncommercial ShareAlike license, so it's totally legal to spread them around.Last edited by drfsupercenter; 9 Nov 2008, 11:56 AM.CYA Later:
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Visit my website!!
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My DVD CollectionComment
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These last ones were great. got me laughing. here's a quick one:
2 drunks on a corner drinking away. One drunk asks the other, "hey. you know what time it is i lost my watch?"
"Nope, but you can usually tell by the position of the sun."
"Well I've been here a couple of days and haven't seen anything move at all."SAMSUNG SH-S203B, SAMSUNG SH-S223F,
Take the suggestions and follow the directions. The results will speak for themselves.
Google is definitely our friend.Comment
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Fridays In Hell !!!
Fridays In Hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil ...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow ... that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ...Comment
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Dear Tide
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.Comment
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Purina Diet
Purina Diet
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for
Toot, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check
out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse on
this stupid question, I told her that No, I didn't have a
dog, but I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that
the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel
hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me.
I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff noses with an
Irish Setter and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack, he was laughing so hard!
Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!
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Are You Guys Sexy ... see attached Picture!
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THE S@#T LIST
GHOST S@#T -This is the kind where you feel the S@#T come out, have S$%T on the toilet paper, but there is no S$%T in the toilet.
CLEAN S@#T - The kind where you S@#T it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET S@#T - The kind where you wipe your b@#t 50 times and it feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your b@#t and your underwear so you don't ruin them with skid marks.
2ND WAVE S@#T - It happens when you're done SH@##$NG. You've pulled your pants up to your knees and then you realize that you have to S@#T some more.
BRAIN HEMORRHAGE
THRU-YOUR-NOSE S@#T - The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
CORN S@#T - No explanation needed.
LINCOLN LOG S@#T - S@#T that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet w/out breaking the S@#T into a few pieces w/your toilet brush.
UNSINKABLE S@#T - The kind that when you flush the toilet it spins and spins and spins then stays around for a while.
DRINKERS S@#T - The kind of S@#T that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most notable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet.
"GEE I WISH I
COULD S@#T" S@#T - Where you want to S@#T but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped and far@#ng a few times.
SPINAL TAP S@#T - This is the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it is coming sideways.
POWER DUMP - The kind that comes out of your b@#T so fast that your B@#T cheeks get splashed w/ toilet water.
LIQUID S@#T - The kind where yellowish - brown liquid shoots out of your b@#t, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, while that whole time, burning your a@#s.
WATERLINE S@#T - Your S@#T is so big that it sticks out above the waterline in the bowl.SAMSUNG SH-S203B, SAMSUNG SH-S223F,
Take the suggestions and follow the directions. The results will speak for themselves.
Google is definitely our friend.Comment
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Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
A lady that was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service --
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