JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[gonwk]

... 'As long as you Drink, Smoke and Eat Chocolate, you won't have Worms!' ...

That is exactly what I have been telling my cousins! But they think I am crazy!

G!

[dr_ml422]

No drinking or smoking, but chocolate yes. Good chocolate though. 70% to 85% pure or at least close to that. No more hersheys or nestleys. Went organic on certain things, but seriously doubt that now or 10 yrs. from now when I die it'll be due to me not eating organic chicken.

[PurpleDemon]

Old Women

Senilty 1:
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

Senilty 2:
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.
I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home.
He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit andfreshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies andthen makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'.

[dr_ml422]

Great Burrell

a in the early morning is priceless. Funny, I used to prepare my ex pancakes, and dinner also. She wasn't senile. She was a drunk, so she would disappear also. Thank God I had my own place n she hers. First and last time w/a drunk. it took me by surprise. My friend asked me when did I find out she was a lush, "after the 10th drink?" Lots of characters out here.

[gonwk]

Gynecologist Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more. 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The clerk continues, there's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Oh, is that where the job is?' '

No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now

[gonwk]

The Game Warden

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

[gonwk]

Florida Mechanical Engineers

Two Florida mechanical engineers, Ray & Floyd, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Floyd, 'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

Floyd and Ray were recently hired via government jobsite website!

[dr_ml422]

You're definitely in a red state aren't you G.

[gonwk]

You're definitely in a red state aren't you G.

Or is it Mum's the Word! Actually I am from MARS! and only Visiting You Earthlings! And while I have been visiting I have developed this nagging feeling that I should give a hoot about Red, White & Blue!

G!

[PurpleDemon]

Man Rules

The Man Rules*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear From the female side.



' the rules'



Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[gonwk]

Ever Noticed that

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam hasAdam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before!

[gonwk]

Ever notice how all of women's problems start withMEN?
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist

AND …
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy ..

[dr_ml422]

The Man Rules*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down



Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear From the female side.



' the rules'



Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Great work burrell. I knew there had to be some real men left. I was getting lil edgy thinking I was the last of the Mohicans.

Keep up the good work gonwk. You might get bumped up a rank here pretty soon.

Adam and Eve does sound better than Adam and Steve don't you think.

I don't want to hear a damn thing when I'm watching my games.

Compromising has always been a losing proposition.

[PurpleDemon]

Turkey Recipe

Thank You

In keeping with the Holiday Season

Here is a Turkey Recipe for you…


Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.
And, you thought I didn't cook...

[gonwk]

Hi folks

@ burrell ... I LOVED your post ... but I have to send you my doctor bill ... I was laughing so hard I fell off my chair at the office!

@ dr_ml I think burrell wants to posion you don't try to impress your Date with that recipe! And no way I get up in Ranks since this "Off Topic".

G!