JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[dr_ml422]

burrell that bear joke is a killer.

[gonwk]

How To Deal with Telemarketers

#18. Tell them you have to grab the kid from backyard and set the phone down and go about your business ... come back half hour later ... and they have hung up and I guarantee you your name will be taken off the call-back list!

But I am open to #12 ... that sounds like Fun!

G!

[ger@co]

BLONDE JOKE

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident "

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So
many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a
Brazilian?"

[gonwk]

Cell Phone & Blonde

Cell Phone & Blonde

One day a blonde decided to get a cell phone. After talking with the salesman, she finally selected a model and signed up for the service.

Over the next few days she called her friends and gave them her new number.

A few days later while shopping, her phone rang for the first time.

Surprised, she answered it. It was her best friend. Completely dumbfounded, she asked in amazement, "How did you know where to call me?"

[atifsh]

13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me I struck the pedestrian.

15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

LMAO hahahaha

[atifsh]

One day I gonna to Malta to a big hotel, in the morning I go down to eat a breakfast. I tell the waitress that I want two pieces of toast. She brings me only one piece. I tell her "I wanna two pieces". She say "Go to the toilet". I say
"you don't understand, I wanna two pieces on my plate". She say to me, "you better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch". I do not even know this lady and she call me a sonnawabitch!!

Later I go to eat at a bigger restaurant. The waiter brings
me a Spoon and a knief but no fock. I tell her "I wanna a fock" and she tella me : "everyone wanna fcuk". I tella her " you don't understand me...I wanna fock on the table". She say : "you better not fcuk* on the table you sonnawabitch."

So I go back to my room in my hotel and there is no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him "I wanna a sheet". he tell me to go the toilet. I say "you don't understand I wanna a sheet on my bed". He say: "you better not shet on the bed, you sonnawabitch".

I go to the Check out and the man at the desk said "peace on you".and I say: "Piss on you too, you sonnawabicth". I gonna back to Italy!

[atifsh]

i had this as audio, if anyone can find that was way much funnier and better.

[gonwk]

i had this as audio, if anyone can find that was way much funnier and better.

Hey atifsh,

THANKS man ... it was really Funny!

atifsh, can you upload the Audio to one of these FREE Host places and place the link here and we can download it.

G!

[gonwk]

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.' 'What's that mean?' asked the child... 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, And scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and Only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, So another dog is pushing her home.'

[gonwk]

Bob & the Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large Building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM News."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[PurpleDemon]

Headlines from the year: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.



Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.



Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.





George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.



Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.



85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.



Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.



Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.



Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030..



IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.



Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[drfsupercenter]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[PurpleDemon]

"MARRIAGE"...as explained by kids

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the #1 Favorite is ........

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky

[PurpleDemon]

I Love sensible Diets

Breakfast

1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch

1 small portion lean, steamed chicken 1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea

1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Haagen-Dazs ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner

4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 S nickers Bars

Late Night Snack

1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

[PurpleDemon]

The Family Tree

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race start?'

Her mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve, they had children, and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
Her father answered, 'many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

Her mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple...'

'I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'