JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[gonwk]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the Viewing.'

IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!

[gonwk]

...
Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 S nickers Bars
....

Hi Burrell,

You are Killing Me ... I was laughing so hard that I almost passed out on the floor.

But funny you should post this Diet ... No Wonder I have NOT been losing any weight ... since it seems I am following something similar to Your Sensible Diet Plan!

G!

[PurpleDemon]

The Airplane

After an British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain activated the public address system and announced...

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293 from London Heathrow, flying non-stop to Toronto. The weather ahead of us today is good, so sit back, relax and enjoy ...
OH MY GOD."

Silence followed .......!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom...





"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I frightened you. As I was speaking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of tea in my lap."

Then he added, "You should see the front of my trousers!"

From one of the seats, an Irish passenger shouted ...

"Jaysus, ya should see the back of mine!"

[PurpleDemon]

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'
had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000
milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no
pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build
its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is
it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience
Lifeline.

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because......... Her
friend was,....... well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her
the question and the four choices. The blonde responded
unhesitatingly:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any
answer except the one that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be
the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such
confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be
convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family
and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the
million dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the
contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted.

[atifsh]

now why they all have to faint after a decent joke lol

[PurpleDemon]

Why, Why, Why

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[dr_ml422]

Here's a quick statistic on sanity if i haven't posted it already. The average person has a IQ of about 100. 70 is retarded. So on a daily basis we're dealing w/people who are just 30 points from retarded. Any formal or technical education w/the exception of naturally being smart put you automatically at 120. Above that and beyond we have the mense. Excuse the spelling I'm 120 and above. Anyway just remember this the next time you're at the gas station asking for directions and they look at you like you're crazy. or while you're at Walgreens and ask for shampoo lets say and they send you to the stationary section or the Poland spring water.

Don't get upset. Just remember that 70% and 30% you'll put things in perspective quickly.

You could Google this btw.


Father-in-laws are either trying to smooth things out by telling you how crazy their wife is or have given up swearing, threatening and trying to kill you. Ever wonder why women usually outlasts men? They nag you to death. They could nag the paint off the walls. That's part of a lil Johnny joke.

[PurpleDemon]

The Blond Mortician

Subject: The Blond Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING)

[Abuilder]

ROFLMAO
Only a guy that looks like this http://forum.digital-digest.com/imag...ine=1237522661
Could come up with a joke like that,

[PurpleDemon]

Thanks



PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf..
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

[PurpleDemon]

A Sad Tale

So, here's the story. .
> .
>
> Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy
> marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
> by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with
> himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her
> killed.
>
> A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a
> nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name
> of 'Artie.'
> Artie then explained to the husband that his
> going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
>
> The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but
> that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could
> collect his wife's insurance money.
>
> Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front,
> so the m an opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar
> bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his
> eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
> payment for the dirty deed.
>
> A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the
> local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the
> produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his
> gloved hands. the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath
> & slumped to the floor.
>
> The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly
> onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living
> witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to
> strangle the produce manager as well.
>
> However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were
> captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by
> the store's security guard, who immediately called the
> police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even
> leave the store.
>
> Under intense questioning at the police station,
Artie revealed the whole sordid plan,
> including his unusual financial arrangements with the
> hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
>
> The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
>
> (You're going to hate me for this ... )
>
> 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

[PurpleDemon]

SERENITY


Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104? ' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ' No peer pressure. '

I ' ve sure gotten old! I ' ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I ' m half blind,
Can ' t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can ' t remember if I ' m 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver ' s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor ' s permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.



My memory ' s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory ' s not as sharp as it used to be.



Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It ' s scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.





THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

[atifsh]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for
dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his
buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing
terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.. The couple had been married for 70 years &
clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to
his host saying, "I think it's wonderful that, after all
these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names."

The old man hung his head, "I have to tell you the truth,"
he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago &
I'm scared to death to ask her what it is."

[PurpleDemon]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right..

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"They won't let me fart."

[gonwk]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer." "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"