JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[Kabuchan]

A highway patrolman pulles alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behinde the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper cranked down his window,turned on his megaphone and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" The blone yelled back, "ITS A SCARF!!"

[Experi-Mentor]

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the teacher.
"I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[blutach]

[Experi-Mentor]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur ... "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[drfsupercenter]

[alamo55]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help
you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out
of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you
aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned ----- My
girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[Aegmorgil]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load

of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,

which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder

again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.


When she is about to hand him another batch again

he asks the little old lady,

" why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.


The puzzled driver asks,

"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,

"We just love the chocolate around them."


It pays to be careful around old people.

[alamo55]

Vanilla Pudding Robbery :

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from
an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about
a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank
shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the security system got underway immediately. The
robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes
filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see
hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The
robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and
inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla
pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape
system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit
to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it
also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The
process continued until all safes were opened. ! They
did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an
ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained
covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers
made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more
than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The
newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

[blutach]

BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA



Regards

[alamo55]

@blutach
Glad u liked that one!

[alamo55]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers starred at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[alamo55]

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give
you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can
get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

[uufta]

i Love Dogs

Dog Philosophy
>
>
>The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of
>his tongue.
>-Anonymous
>
>Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
>wonderful.
>-Ann Landers
>
>If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
>went.
>-Will Rogers
>
>There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
>-Ben Williams
>
>A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
>himself.
>-Josh Billings
>
>
>
>The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
>-Andy Rooney
>
>We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can
>spare.
>And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever
>made.
>-M. Acklam
>
>Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
>who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
>-Sigmund Freud
>
>I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
>cult.
>-Rita Rudner
>
>A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
>and to turn around three times before lying down.
>-Robert Benchley
>
>
>
>Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
>-Franklin P. Jones
>
>If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
>known
>will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
>-James Thurber
>
>If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
>-Unknown
>
>My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
>That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
>-Joe Weinstein
>
>Ever consider what our dogs must think of us?
>I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing
>haul,
>chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on
>earth!
>-Anne Tyler
>
>Women and cats will do as they please,
>and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
>-Robert A. Heinlein
>
>
>
>
>If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
>you;
>that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
>-Mark Twain
>
>You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
>that says,
>'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
>- Dave Barry
>
>Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
>-Roger Caras
>
>If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
>pocket
>and then give him only two of them.
>-Phil Pastoret
>
>My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.


>

[uufta]

A NASA rocket scientist executive decided to take a vacation. He booked
>himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life
>until
>the boat sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no
>supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
>
>
>
>After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
>gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he
>asks her,
>"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
>
>
>
>She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
>when
>my cruise ship sank."
>
>
>
>"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
>you."
>
>
>
>"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I
>found
>on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the
>bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
>tree."
>
>
>
>"But, where did you get the tools?"
>
>
>
>"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
>island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed I found if I
>fired it
>to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile
>iron.
>I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
>
>
>
>The guy is stunned.
>
>
>
>"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she
>docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly
>falls out
>off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
>painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
>expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As
>they walk
>into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.
>Sit
>down, please. Would you like a drink?"
>
>
>
>"No. No thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut
>juice."
>
>
>
>"It's not coconut juice ," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a
>Pina Colada?"
>
>
>
>Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
>on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
>announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you
>like
>to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
>cabinet."
>
>
>
>No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
>the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
>hollow
>ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
>
>
>
>"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
>
>
>
>When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
>positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
>down
>next to her.
>
>
>
>"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been
>out here for a really long time. You must have been lonely. There's
>something
>I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
>longing
>for all these months?" She stares into his eyes.
>
>
>
>He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean......" he swallows excitedly
>and tears start to form in his eyes ...."I can check my e-mail from
>here"?
>

[blutach]

BWAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA

Good ones uufta. And so true about the dogs!

Regards