JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[ger@co]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her Grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's Grandma came by. Not willing to let her Grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself" Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my denture out, rip the skin back and suck'em dry."

The policeman fainted.

[PurpleDemon]

[atifsh]

The policeman fainted.

i hate these last lines lol, good joke though

[atifsh]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the Successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...What a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

[ger@co]

Originally posted by atifish
i hate these last lines lol, good joke though

Yeah, it is filled with cheese, isn't it? LOL.

Later.

[PurpleDemon]

Da end be near!!

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe DA sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

[gonwk]

Grammar for the elderly

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed
finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked,
rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and
leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

[gonwk]

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

Hi Burrell,

Super Funny ... man I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.

And I would keep the Sign as is ... it is "So Much More Fun".

G!

[PurpleDemon]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the
Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three
readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was
impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

________________________________

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
************************************************** *

[gonwk]

...
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far! ...

So Burrell ... what is wrong with that ... it is best to Teach them by Example basically you cross the road illegally you get your ass run-over. I am ALL for it.

G!

[PurpleDemon]

[gonwk]

There are only two Four letter words that are offensive to men - "Don't" and "Stop", unless they are used together.

[dr_ml422]

Usually the "Don't" lingers for a while and then it almost always is accompanied by "Stop".

Don't, Don't, Don't, Stop Please.

[gonwk]

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"Iknow," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

[PurpleDemon]

The Bartender

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no,' he replied.

Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?

Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered,

'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.