JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[PurpleDemon]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. To make matters worse, he was asked to leave his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila


Continued

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.

I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

[Alien Bay]

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.


Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.


She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"


Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T

SWING !!! '

[gonwk]

Hi Alien Bay,

Loved it ... you Dirty Old Dude/Dudeth!

G!

[PurpleDemon]

Dirty?? I don't get it then. Can u please explain G! ?

[PurpleDemon]

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus ..... Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. ... done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! ... that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person ... yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you... who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment ... well fooey!
6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished ... OH NO, not again!
7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND' ... and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE' ... Oh NO!!!

IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS'

THIS ONE YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHECK ON SNOPES!!!!

[PurpleDemon]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the...." he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
"Damn!" he says.

He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"B'Jesus... I'm soused," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it.
He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No flappin'
way."

But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says,
"I did Jess. I was totally smashed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called...You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[PurpleDemon]

An early update regarding Christmas in our nation's
capital for 2009.
I wanted to leak the story early so everyone fully
understand.
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington D.C. this
year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be
a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital
this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious
reason. They simply have not been able to find Three
Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.. A search for a
Virgin continues. There was no problem, however,
finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[PurpleDemon]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I' m blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid..
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year "that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!"
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up..

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!

[PurpleDemon]

A man owned a small farm in North Dakota. The North Dakota Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent".

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus Free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to........the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me" replied the farmer.

[PurpleDemon]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but
who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
trans-continental train.







Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,......
let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he
exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damn blanket.'


After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

[PurpleDemon]

Deer Camp

SLEEPING WITH BOB



The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up, and watched me all night.

[PurpleDemon]

Shopping at Cabela's

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for
her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one
to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
counter.


A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark
shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if
you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything
from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believe him
but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite
rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB Test line. It's a
good all around combination; and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll
take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops
on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell
it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be
$34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale
for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but
the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is
$3.50

[PurpleDemon]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville , MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that.. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "Great Scott, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the the Obama administration.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

[PurpleDemon]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.


'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!

[PurpleDemon]

Why women shouldn't take men shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on
> her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I
> found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get
> out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
> she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received
> the following letter from the local Target.
>
> Dear Mrs.. Samuel,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
> behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the
> store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
> Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
> surveillance cameras.
>
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
> in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
> at 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
> leading to the women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
> official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
> away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned
> station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in
> turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to
> lose time and costing the company money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a
> bag of M&Ms on layaway.
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
> carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
> told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
> bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to
> which twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
> began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave
> me alone?' EMTs were called.
>
> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and
> used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
> department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
> were.
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
> loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
> 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
> browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
> speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!
> IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
>
>
> And last, but not least:
>
> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
> waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no
> toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.