JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[PurpleDemon]

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband...

"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day.
What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it -- only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams."

[PurpleDemon]

Ray & Bubba
( Arkansas mechanical engineers)
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.


A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,
'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her
pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'
and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'




Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government....

[PurpleDemon]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello (and too old to REALLY understand computers) to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..... ........

[dr_ml422]

If you're looking for work they're hiring at Times Square to circumsize elephants. The pay is not that good, but the tips are great!

[Derniere valse]

The dean's words
Student A :If the dean doesn't take back what he said to me this moming ,I am going to leave college.
Student B :what did he say ?
Student A : He told me to leave college.

Why are you always late
"kevin,why are you always late?"
"Because you're always ringing the bell before I get here.

Essay
Teacher had set his class an essay in "A game of Cricket".After two minutes simon steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home .His essay read:"rain stopped the game.

It's not my fault
"Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Victor,you're the worst pupil in your class,"said the father.
"What's that got to do with me ? Is it my fault that the worst one was the answer.

Arctic explorer
A six-year-old boy addy,when I grow up I want to be an Arctic Explorer
Father :That's great ,Bill.
Boy :But I want to get Some training at once?
Father :How ?
Boy :Well,I want a dollar everyday for an ice cream to get used to the cold.

[dr_ml422]

The dean's words
Student A :If the dean doesn't take back what he said to me this moming ,I am going to leave college.
Student B :what did he say ?
Student A : He told me to leave college.

Why are you always late
"kevin,why are you always late?"
"Because you're always ringing the bell before I get here.

Essay
Teacher had set his class an essay in "A game of Cricket".After two minutes simon steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home .His essay read:"rain stopped the game.

It's not my fault
"Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Victor,you're the worst pupil in your class,"said the father.
"What's that got to do with me ? Is it my fault that the worst one was the answer.

Arctic explorer
A six-year-old boy addy,when I grow up I want to be an Arctic Explorer
Father :That's great ,Bill.
Boy :But I want to get Some training at once?
Father :How ?
Boy :Well,I want a dollar everyday for an ice cream to get used to the cold.

Like these kind. Hard to find anymore.

[PurpleDemon]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[PurpleDemon]

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the
beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly. 'that was my pager,' she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear..

When she finished, she explained, 'that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

the older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went tothe bathroom..

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said..........well, will you look at that........i'm getting a
fax!!

[dr_ml422]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

burrell if this is true I don't blame you for telling that lady this. Ask a stupid question and sometimes depending on the mood you will get it.

[PurpleDemon]

Teacher Arrested

A teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," Attorney General Holder said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President O'Bama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

[PurpleDemon]

It's SO bad . . .how bad is it?

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,
"Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck

[dr_ml422]

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,
"Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck

Lol... It is bad though!

[drfsupercenter]

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck

HAHA, that's awesome

[PurpleDemon]

Childbirth at 65

Too good not to pass on!


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine
was able to give birth.. When she was discharged from the hospital and went
home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet ,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while
first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No,
not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very
impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!'
she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I
demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'


'BECAUSE I FORGOT
WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

[PurpleDemon]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, drinking fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my sh*t list ...