JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[airjacobs]

This is a cool thread. I got plenty of jokes to read here. My days would be very light and relaxing because of this thread.

[atifsh]

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

[atifsh]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[atifsh]

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Kisses with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no kisses this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free kisses."

Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.

[atifsh]

All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."

[atifsh]

One day, up in the frozen north a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play. Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, "Can I ask you a question dad?"

"Sure, son what is it?"

"Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior.

Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play."

So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back.

"Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?"

Dad smiles again and says, "Look son you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose...of course you're a polar bear....now go back and play."

Once again Junior runs off...slides down the ice....chases a couple of seagulls...after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face.....

"Daaaad....are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?"

"Look son...I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears...why are you asking all these questions?"

Junior looks up and says...."Cause I'm freaking freezing! "

[reccakeys]

I have a short joke. Hope this can make you all laugh..
______________________________
A gang decided to rob a bank…they opened every vault and found only cups of yogurt. So they ate it all…
Next day, in CNN news:
“BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED!”
Whahaha………yuck…
______________________________
Four catholic mothers are sitting around, bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest.
First mother says: My son is a monsignor and when he walks in the room, people greet him: “Good morning Monsignor!”
Second mother says: Well, my son is a bishop and people greet him: “Good morning your Grace!”
Third mother says: Well, my son is a cardinal and people greet him: “Good morning you’re Eminence!”
The fourth mother pause and says: “My son is seven feet tall and is 350 pounds of pure muscles. When he walks outside, people greet him: “Oh My God!”
_______________________________

[dr_ml422]

This is really good!

I have a short joke. Hope this can make you all laugh..
______________________________
A gang decided to rob a bank…they opened every vault and found only cups of yogurt. So they ate it all…
Next day, in CNN news:
“BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED!”
Whahaha………yuck…
______________________________
Four catholic mothers are sitting around, bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest.
First mother says: My son is a monsignor and when he walks in the room, people greet him: “Good morning Monsignor!”
Second mother says: Well, my son is a bishop and people greet him: “Good morning your Grace!”
Third mother says: Well, my son is a cardinal and people greet him: “Good morning you’re Eminence!”
The fourth mother pause and says: “My son is seven feet tall and is 350 pounds of pure muscles. When he walks outside, people greet him: “Oh My God!”
_______________________________

Welcome to DVF!

[PurpleDemon]

Headlines

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.




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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

[PurpleDemon]

Hymn #365

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down .

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

[dr_ml422]

Here's something:

Spread the Stupidity:




Only in America ..... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.







Only in America ...... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.





Only in America ..... do banks leave vault doors open, and then chain the pens to the counters.





Only in America ..... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and put our useless junk in the garage.





Only in America ......... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten, and buns in packages of eight.





Only in America ..... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.





EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?








Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?





Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?





Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?





Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?





Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?





Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?





Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?





Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?





Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?





Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?








You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? !!!!





Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?




Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?





I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?





If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[PurpleDemon]

Redneck Church................................



1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase
of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"
(Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last
names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

God Bless and don't y'all fergit ta say yer prayers!

[PurpleDemon]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

[PurpleDemon]

For all the Seniors and soon to be Seniors



"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,

"Well, crap, that explains why no one was at church today."

[PurpleDemon]

Seniors getting married






Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a CVS Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.



Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"



The pharmacist answers, "Yes."



Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart Medication?"



Pharmacist: "Of course we do."



Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation? "



Pharmacist: "All kinds "



Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"



Pharmacist: "Definitely. "



Jacob: "How about suppositories? "



Pharmacist: "You bet!"



Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's? "



Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."



Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"



Pharmacist: "Absolutely. "



Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion? "



Pharmacist: "We sure do."



Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"



Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes.."



Jacob: "Adult diapers?"



Pharmacist: "Sure.."



Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."