JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[PurpleDemon]

Hearing Aids

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[PurpleDemon]

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?

[PurpleDemon]

Bad Combinations

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least... my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

[PurpleDemon]

Forrest Gump in Heaven

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. 'Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me I am his own...'"

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

[horace87st]

I used to tell some of those at school, but now I have no refrence

[PurpleDemon]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.Man holding a gizzard

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in".

[PurpleDemon]

I know this is not a joke, but many of them made me laugh (and cry cause they are so close to home).
These will be for the new parents.

100 Things Your Kids May Never Know About.

Inserting a VHS tape into a VCR to watch a movie or to record something.
Super-8 movies and cine film of all kinds.
Playing music on an audio tape using a personal stereo.
The number of TV channels being a single digit. I remember it being a massive event when Britain got its fourth channel.
Standard-definition, CRT TVs filling up half your living room.
Rotary dial televisions with no remote control. You know, the ones where the kids were the remote control.
High-speed dubbing.
8-track cartridges.
Vinyl records. Even today’s DJs are going laptop or CD.
Betamax tapes.
MiniDisc.
Laserdisc: the LP of DVD.
Scanning the radio dial and hearing static between stations.
Shortwave radio.
3-D movies meaning red-and-green glasses.
Watching TV when the networks say you should. Tivo and Sky+ are slowing killing this one.
That there was a time before ‘reality TV.’
100 Things Your Kids May Never Know About
Computers and Videogaming
Wires. OK, so they’re not gone yet, but it won’t be long.
The scream of a modem connecting.
The buzz of a dot-matrix printer.
5- and 3-inch floppies, Zip Discs and countless other forms of data storage.
Using jumpers to set IRQs.
DOS.
Terminals accessing the mainframe.
Screens being just green (or orange) on black.
Tweaking the volume setting on your tape deck to get a computer game to load, and waiting ages for it to actually do it.
Daisy chaining your SCSI devices and making sure they’ve all got a different ID.
Counting in kilobytes.
Wondering if you can afford to buy a RAM upgrade.
Blowing the dust out of a NES cartridge in the hopes that it’ll load this time.
Turning a PlayStation on its end to try and get a game to load.
Joysticks.
Having to delete something to make room on your hard drive.
Booting your computer off of a floppy disk.
Recording a song in a studio.
100 Things Your Kids May Never Know About
The Internet
NCSA Mosaic.
Finding out information from an encyclopedia.
Using a road atlas to get from A to B.
Doing bank business only when the bank is open.
Shopping only during the day, Monday to Saturday.
Phone books and Yellow Pages.
Newspapers and magazines made from dead trees.
Actually being able to get a domain name consisting of real words.
Filling out an order form by hand, putting it in an envelope and posting it.
Not knowing exactly what all of your friends are doing and thinking at every moment.
Carrying on a correspondence with real letters, especially the handwritten kind.
Archie searches.
Gopher searches.
Concatenating and UUDecoding binaries from Usenet.
Privacy.
The fact that words generally don’t have num8er5 in them.
Correct spelling of phrases, rather than TLAs.
Waiting several minutes (or even hours!) to download something.
The time before botnets/security vulnerabilities due to always-on and always-connected PCs.
The time before PC networks.
When Spam was just a meat product — or even a Monty Python sketch.
100 Things Your Kids May Never Know About
Gadgets
Typewriters.
Putting film in your camera: 35mm may have some life still, but what about APS or disk?
Sending that film away to be processed.
Having physical prints of photographs come back to you.
CB radios.
Getting lost. With GPS coming to more and more phones, your location is only a click away.
Rotary-dial telephones.
Answering machines.
Using a stick to point at information on a wallchart.
Pay phones.
Phones with actual bells in them.
Fax machines.
Vacuum cleaners with bags in them.
100 Things Your Kids May Never Know About
Everything Else
Taking turns picking a radio station, or selecting a tape, for everyone to listen to during a long drive.
Remembering someone’s phone number.
Not knowing who was calling you on the phone.
Actually going down to a Blockbuster store to rent a movie.
Toys actually being suitable for the under-3s.
LEGO just being square blocks of various sizes, with the odd wheel, window or door.
Waiting for the television-network premiere to watch a movie after its run at the theater.
Relying on the 5-minute sport segment on the nightly news for baseball highlights.
Neat handwriting.
The days before the nanny state.
Starbuck being a man.
Han shoots first.
“Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.” But they’ve already seen Episode III, so it’s no big surprise.
Kentucky Fried Chicken, as opposed to KFC.
Trig tables and log tables.
“Don’t know what a slide rule is for …”
Finding books in a card catalog at the library.
Swimming pools with diving boards.
Hershey bars in silver wrappers.
Sliding the paper outer wrapper off a Kit-Kat, placing it on the palm of your hand and clapping to make it bang loudly. Then sliding your finger down the silver foil to break off the first finger.
A Marathon bar (what a Snickers used to be called in Britain).
Having to manually unlock a car door.
Writing a check.
Looking out the window during a long drive.
Roller skates, as opposed to blades.
Cash.
Libraries as a place to get books rather than a place to use the internet.
Spending your entire allowance at the arcade in the mall.
Omni Magazine.
A physical dictionary — either for spelling or definitions.
When a ‘geek’ and a ‘nerd’ were one and the same.

[PurpleDemon]

Letter from a College $tudent
Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.

A week later....the response from Dad arrived:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

[PurpleDemon]

Always There For Me

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

"When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

"You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck!"

[PurpleDemon]

Due to a power outage, The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place spank him again

[PurpleDemon]

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . Bob has been missing since Friday.

[PurpleDemon]

The Outhouse Poem

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

[PurpleDemon]

The Green Thing

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good
for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, " That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
>>
>>
>>
>> We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
>> store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't
>> climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two
>> blocks.
>>
>> But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
>>
>> Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the
>> throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy
>> gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really
>> did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their
>> brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady
>> is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
>>
>> Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every
>> room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief
>> (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana .
>>
>> In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have
>> electric machines to do everything for us.
>>
>> When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded
>> up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
>>
>> Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut
>> the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised
>> by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on
>> treadmills that operate on electricity.
>>
>> But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
>>
>> We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup
>> or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
>> We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
>> replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the
>> whole razor just because the blade got dull.
>>
>> But we didn't have the green thing back then.
>>
>> Back then, people took the streetcar
>> or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of
>> turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.
>>
>> We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets
>> to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized
>> gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in
>> space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
>>
>> But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old
>> folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

[liveoutloud]

Oh boy that was a bad blond joke...

[PurpleDemon]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'



'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'



'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'



'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'



A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble So he follows them.



The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on...



The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'



Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'