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A letter from home
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive.
I’m writing this letter slowly because I know you
can’t read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won’t recognize the house when you get home –
we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your
home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the
address because the last Irish family that lived
here took the house numbers when they moved so
that they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I’m not sure it works so well though: last
week I put a load in and pulled the chain and
haven’t seen them since.
Your father’s got a really good job now. He’s got
500 men under him. He’s cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but
I haven’t found out if it’s a boy or a girl,
so I don’t know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He’s only been
there a short while and they’ve already made him a
court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of
whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his
workmates tried to save him but he fought them
off bravely. They cremated him and it took three
days to put out the fire.
I’m sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was
arrested while riding his bicycle last week.
They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your
father went with me. The doctor put a small
tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for
ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained
twice this week, first for three days and
then for four days Monday was so windy one
of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker.
He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s
plot wasn’t paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you,
your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy
to send in the mail with the buttons on,
so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday..
We were really worried because it took him
two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window
and swam to safety. Your other two friends
were in the back. They drowned because they
couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum.
P.S. I was going to send you some money but
I had already sealed the envelope.
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The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
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Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College
in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:
People who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1992.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Are you thankful for the larger type?
So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!
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BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
—— Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem
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People born before 1946 are called The Silent Generation,
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers,
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X,
And people born between 1980 and 2011 are called Generation Y,
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and put up my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below..
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Much of this was good but I have to point out that it's 1993, not 1992.People who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1992.
This also isn't true, CD has been around since 1982. Not sure when it became mainstream, but my parents have CDs pressed as early as 1986...The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.CYA Later:
d̃ŗf̉śŭp̣ễr̀çëǹt̉ếř
Visit my website!!
Cool Characters Make your text cool
My DVD CollectionComment
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I’ve been driving ‘hearses’ for the last 25 years!”
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You heard about the lady with five children whose doctor prescribed her Valium for anxiety and stress?
When she went back in two weeks she told the doctor that everything was wonderful!
She said that her house was clean, she had time to read and even enjoy her favorite television show for thirty minutes a day. But she did need a refill on her script.
"A refill, already?!" said the doctor, "How many pills are you taking?"
"Taking!?" the patient replied, "I've been giving them to my children."
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Thanksgiving Problem Solved
A dad in Arizona calls his son in Montana before Thanksgiving and says... "I hate to be the bearer of bad news this time of
year, but I need to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - 45 years with her is too much." "Pops, what the heck
are you talking about?" son screams."We just can't stand the sight of each other any longer," father says. "I'm sick of
talking about this, so you call your sister in Texas and tell her the bad news.
"The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "Let me take care
of this."Sister calls home immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing
until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow, we will talk about this during
Thanksgiving. Till then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" then she hangs up.
The ol' feller looks at the phone, grins and turns to his wife.
"Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving now... and paying their own way!"
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A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. "
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin."
"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself."
"BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I couldn't help not laughing out loud."
"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.
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When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 10,000 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
"I don't know," the man replied. "My wife told me to stand here."
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Christmas Cake Recipe
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another cup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it goose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for consistency. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
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Warning for Older Men!
Clever Scam . . . warn your friends!!
This is very serious stuff!
This is a “heads up” for those men who may be regular Lowe’s, Home Depot, Wal-Mart, Target, or Sam’s Club customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last couple weeks I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car dressed as Santa’s Helpers as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start helping you pack your stuff into your vehicle. What catches your eye is the very short bright Red Santa helper miniskirts they are wearing and the tight fitting Deep “V” neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds to get some hot cocoa and a snack.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Nov 24th, 26th 28th 29th, 30th, twice on Dec 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful!! What a horrible way to take advantage of older men during this holiday season. Warn your friends to be vigilant. These girls will not give up; they have proven it over and over again with me.
By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones at Wal-Mart for $1.99 and bought them out. Also, you will never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 14 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe’s, Home Depot, Sam’s Club, Wal-Mart, and Target.
So please, send this along to all the older men that you know, and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.
PS: (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
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