JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[drfsupercenter]

... Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi

Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tamagotchi maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tamagotchi (the Japanese electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property.

Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant, even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me. This is clearly an infringment on our technology".

The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.

[Aegmorgil]

[Aegmorgil]

>>>>Marriage Counseling
>>>> > >
>>>> > >A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
>>>> > >The
>>>> > >counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a >
>>>> >tirade
>>>> > >listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've
>>>> > >been
>>>> > >married She goes on and on and on
>>>> > >
>>>> > >Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the
>>>>wife
>>>> > >&
>>>> > >kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up & sits quietly in a >
>>>> >daze.
>>>> > >
>>>> > >The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife
>>>> > >needs
>>>> > >at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
>>>> > >
>>>> > >The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her
>>>>off
>>>> > >here
>>>> > >on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[blutach]

[Aegmorgil]

I think the life cycle is all backwards

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you
get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger
quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

[superman217]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

[uufta]

A new nurse started at the rest home and was being shown around the mens ward by the matron.
After a while she said "Matron, I have noticed that according to the charts, all these men
are given a nightly dose of viagra. The youngest man here must be 90, Im frankly quite suprised
that they are even interested at their age ".
"Oh no", said the matron, "we only give them that so they dont fall out of bed" !

[floresdave]

Okay i don't consider this joke political because it works just as well with any president.


President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. ****, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."

[lfcrule1972]

I liked the last one - funny !!

A Welshman, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous and growled fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep’s neck.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her but they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but finally he gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[Aegmorgil]

sick sick sick!!

[Kabuchan]

Saw a bumper sticker once that said "Wyoming - where men are men and sheep are scared"

[lfcrule1972]

So Wyoming must be like Wales then ??

[rsmober]

i hope this one doesnt get me introuble...its not rude blu..here goes..

>Sam wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at the bar.
>
>He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a
>couple of aspirins next to a cold glass of water on the side table.
>
>And, next to them, a single red rose!
>
>Sam sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
>pressed.
>
>Sam looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
>spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
>
>He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
>back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
>
>"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I took the Master Card and left early
>to go shopping - Love you!"
>
>He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
>the morning newspaper.
>
>His son is also at the table, eating. Sam asks, "Sonny...what happened
>last night?"
>
>"Well, you came home after 4 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke
>the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you
>ran into the door."
>
>"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose
>and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
>
>His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when
>she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, b*tch,
>I'm married'!!!"
>
>Broken table - $200
>
>Hot breakfast - $5
>
>Red Rose bud - $3
>
>Two aspirins - $0.25
>
>Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

[LT. Columbo]

[blutach]

BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Regards