JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[alamo55]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the 1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?' The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son-of-a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[blutach]

@alamo

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH

Regards

[LT. Columbo]

.

How True Is This!!!!???
You've been hit by the


|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^| ||
|...WINE TRUCK..........| ||'|";, ___.
|_..._..._______===|=||_|__|..., ] -
"(@)'(@)"""''"**|(@)(@)*****''(@)


once you've been hit, you have to hit 12 woman who like to drink and
have fun ; including the one who sent it to u . If you get hit again
you'll know you really have a problem!
(obviously this was written by and to a woman)




when girls drink too much............


1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.


2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt
while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.


3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass
and
honestly believe we could do it too.


4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a
homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago


5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo
much.


6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song
play's because "oh my god! I love this song!"


7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.


8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.


9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just
lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the gin.


10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the
kitchen floor (or the mop?)


11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.


12. We
take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're
having problems walking straight.

[Kabuchan]

@ LT - You just summed up my early twenties!

[LT. Columbo]

[dazuk1972]

The Headless Horseman

If the headless horseman was going to be interviewed on TV, what's the point in him having a microphone?

[Kabuchan]

Bad Website Addresses

Sometimes it's a good idea to get a different perspective before committing to a URL...

1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity:

https://www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:

https://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

https://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:

https://www.therapistfinder.com

5. An Italian Power Generator company:

https://www.powergenitalia.com

6. Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

https://www.molestationnursery.com

7. Computer software at:

https://www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church:
I'll let you figure this one out

9. Art direction at reasonable prices:

https://www.speedofart.com

10.Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at:

https://www.gotahoe.com

[Aegmorgil]

One of The best lawyer stories of all time

The United Way realized that it had never received a
donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit
in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
"Our research shows that even though your annual
income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something
back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,
"First, did your research also show you that my mother
is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles,
"Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and
is not able to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an
apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's
husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless
with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled
and other that has learning disabilities requiring an
array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten,
says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says,
"So...if I didn't give any money to them,
what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[Aegmorgil]

There's a guy from Green Bay(Packer fan) driving to Chicago, and a guy
from Chicago(Bear fan) driving to Green Bay.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each
other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Packer fan manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says "Man, I'm really lucky to be
alive"!

Likewise the Bears fan scrambles out of his car and looks at his
wreckage. He too says to himself, " I can't believe I survived this
wreck"!

The Bear fan walks over to the Packer fan and says," Hey man, I think
this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences
and live as friends instead of arch rivals".

The Packer fan thinks for a moment and says," You know, you're
absolutely right.We should be friends. Let's see what else survived
this wreck"!

So the Packer fan pops his trunk and finds a full bottle of Jack
Daniels. He says to the Bears fan,"I think this is another sign from
God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship".

The Bear fan says, "You're0 damn right!" He takes the bottle and starts
sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle
the Bear fan hands it back to the Packer backer and says, "Your turn."

The Packer fan twists the cap back on the bottle and says. "Nah, I
think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

[Aegmorgil]

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a
Buckeye joke?"

The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know
something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am an Ohio State Graduate. The guy
sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he is an Ohio State Graduate. The
guy right next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and he is also an Ohio State
Graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times"

[Kabuchan]

The Correct Way to Come Home DRUNK!!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to
the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the
garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down
my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife
STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm
up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full
flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then
jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and
she acts like she's sound asleep.

[IndianPrincess]

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3
kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance
classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house
clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for
groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and
relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a
dentist appointment and a haircut appointment . He must make one
unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend,
evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation).

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned
house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all
times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are
asleep and all chores are done.


There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead
batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every
stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on
cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they
will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six
toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable
yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their
clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe
abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book and then pray with the children
each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush
their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the
home with no food on their face or clothes.

A test will be gi ven at the end of the six weeks, and each
father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and
length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite
snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they
want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and
then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on
them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not
the boss of me".

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be
intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right
to be called Mother!
After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as
you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can
handle it.

[Aegmorgil]

>> Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in

front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

>> "You know, Harvey, "she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see

an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that

they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped

balloons,

>> and... my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"

>>

>> She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just

one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself?"

>>

>> Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a

soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there' s nothing wrong with your eyesight."

>>

> He never heard the shot

[IndianPrincess]

A women goes to the Doctor complaining of a GI problem.
The Doctor asks her what her routine is.
The women tells him "Everyday I get up at 6:15 and make my family breakfast, and at 8:15 I have a bowel movement."
The Doctors says "Lets take a look."
So he does an x-ray and tells her that she has worms and that the only way to fix it is to have surgery.
The first worm says "Did you hear that? I am going to hide behind the heart."
The second worm says "I am going to hide behind the liver."
The third worm says "I don't know about you two, but I am taking the 8:15 train out of here!"

[Aegmorgil]

Becky and Sally Ann, both blond, were doing some carpenter work on a house. Becky who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"