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You did get up in rank though or you haven't noticed. Just remember rank doesn't = expertise. Forum rule. lol... That's me to an extent just if you're wondering.
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SAMSUNG SH-S203B, SAMSUNG SH-S223F,
Take the suggestions and follow the directions. The results will speak for themselves.
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Two women golfing
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and
I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,'
the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he
finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful
massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
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REAL 911 Calls!
BELIEVE it or not, These are REAL 911 Calls ... but I deleted what State they were from so no-one's feelings get hurt!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher:! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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The Thanksgiving Parrot
John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....
........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'
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Indian Student
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
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The BULL
Hi folks,
I could not post the pictures that goes with this Joke ... so USE your Imagniation!!! .................. here is the Joke:
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same Old Cow.'
FYI my Fellow Guys: The Hospital has upgraded My condition from Critical
to Stable and I should eventually make a Full Recovery.
Accidents Do Happen when a Woman gets … well mad at you!!!Last edited by gonwk; 26 Nov 2008, 01:53 AM.Comment
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Forrest Gump Explains Mortgage Backed Securities
Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes with the blessings of Freddie May & Mac and replaced them with turds. Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates. These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.
Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates and their congressional enablers are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.
Mama always said: "Sniff the chocolates first, Forrest".
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Older Women!!!
After being married for 42 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19-year-old chick.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old chick, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
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Some won't get this, but it just cracks me up. How about you blu?
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Maybe a 19 yr. old chick might motivate you enough to get that $500,000 home, big bed, and plasma TV. They say a woman's you know what has more pull than a tugboat.After being married for 42 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19-year-old chick.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old chick, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
SAMSUNG SH-S203B, SAMSUNG SH-S223F,
Take the suggestions and follow the directions. The results will speak for themselves.
Google is definitely our friend.Comment
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Idiots of the Year
Idiots of the Year
Number One Idiot of 2008
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency
room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
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Number Two Idiot of 2008 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the
airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,
they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated
when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign,guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
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Number Three Idiot of 2008
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch
and wrote this, "Put all your money in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the
teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his
note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a
few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
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Number Four Idiot of 2008
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that;
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received
a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of
handcuffs.. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........
But you still get a sign
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Number Five Idiot of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber
said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she
didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license
out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
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Idiot Number Six of 2008
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
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Idiot Number Seven of 2008
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It
seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.
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Idiot Number Eight of 2008
We live in a semi-rural area, ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ), and we recently
had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many
deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for
them to be crossing anymore."
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The best as of late burrell. Keep them coming. Are these Engal's signs? The guy from The Blue Collar Comedy group?SAMSUNG SH-S203B, SAMSUNG SH-S223F,
Take the suggestions and follow the directions. The results will speak for themselves.
Google is definitely our friend.Comment
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Christmas Story
A Beautiful Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and the toys were scattered all over the ground.
So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated, Santa marched to the door, yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, Merry Christmas, Santa, isn't this a lovely day?I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!
MERRY XMAS EVERYONE!Comment
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