JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[dr_ml422]

SEASON'S GREETING

Money is short
Times are hard
Here's your F@#$ing
Christmas card

It was the night before
Christmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt shi@#y
Even the mouse,

Mom at the wh@#$house
And Dad smoking gr@#s
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of a#$,

When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter,

Then out on the lawn
I saw a big d@#k
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick,

He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The F@#$ker had fell,

He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber d@#k
For my brother, the Qu@#r

He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of a b#$@h
Blew the chimney apart,

He swore and he cursed
As he rode out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a hell of a night!


Happy Holidays To All

[gonwk]

Little Johnny had a cussing problem & his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him.

If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up & rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs & saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled & asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a damn dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

[dr_ml422]

Little Johnny had a cussing problem & his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him.

If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up & rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs & saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled & asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a damn dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

God bless all the lil Johnnys and Mikeys of the world. They seem to always be at the butt of these jokes.

[uufta]

Sven notices his neighbor has a sign in his yard - "Boat for Sale."

"Ole," he says, "you don't own a boat. All you got is your old tractor and your combine."

"Yup," said Ole, "And they're boat for sale."

[gonwk]

Sven notices his neighbor has a sign in his yard - "Boat for Sale."

"Ole," he says, "you don't own a boat. All you got is your old tractor and your combine."

"Yup," said Ole, "And they're boat for sale."

Hi uufta,

I had to read it twice to get it ... but the second time I had to pay attention to the joke and not the Horny Squirrel with the Flashing Balls and I had to put my Southern Accent on ... yup!

I loved it .. THANKS!

G!

[dr_ml422]

Hi uufta,

I had to read it twice to get it ... but the second time I had to pay attention to the joke and not the Horny Squirrel with the Flashing Balls and I had to put my Southern Accent on ... yup!

I loved it .. THANKS!

G!

You sure you puttin on dat southern accent master gonwk? It's ok to eat grits and ham hogs ya know. Don't b tryn to b like dose Yankees son. Spendin all dat damn $$$ on dose hired guns wen we just tryin to make it to market and git these here bills paid. Sob's wanna shine they should pay off the hole deficit wile they at it. Nuttin gets me more red than those damn northerners walkin around like every thing ok.

[gonwk]

And, speaking of senior moments:

'WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper
office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday. The Sunday
paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by
a ray of recognition. as she was heard to mutter, 'Well, s**t... so
that's why no one was at church today.'

[gonwk]

Aussie Joke

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce
and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and
tell his wife.' Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters beer.

Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

[gonwk]

Captured By Indians

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, I'd like to speak to my horse. The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enter s the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and once again he whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and also spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

He tells the Lone Ranger, You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. So what is your last request?

The Lone Ranger responds, I'd like to speak to my horse....alone. The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:

Listen very carefully you dumb s**t... For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!

[drfsupercenter]

Yeah funny joke... but couldn't the lone ranger just tell the two girls to get the posse? LOL

[dr_ml422]

gonwk I'm already at the reading glasses level. You think you could change that font and make it bolder so it could be read w/out going blinder? Thnx. Lol...

I think this might be borderline w/in the rules. It's not intended to offend anyone. Just a Lone Ranger and Tonto joke.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were doing their rounds when all of a sudden the Lone Ranger noticed some Indians in the horizon. He told Tonto, "Tonto there's Indians to the north." Tonto looked and nodded. Then the Lone Ranger said, "Tonto there's Indians to the east." Tonto looked and nodded again. Then the Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, there's Indians to the west, and Indians to the south. We're surrounded by Indians. What should we do?" Tonto looked straight at the Lone Ranger and said, "What do you mean by we white man?"

[PurpleDemon]

More Lone Ranger Humor

Why did the Lone Ranger Shoot Tonto?

He found out what Kemosabe meant

Have Fun

[dr_ml422]

Why did the Lone Ranger Shoot Tonto?

He found out what Kemosabe meant

Have Fun

I guess that's where we get the phrase "What are friends for?"

[gonwk]

gonwk I'm already at the reading glasses level. You think you could change that font and make it bolder so it could be read w/out going blinder? Thnx. Lol...

Hi dr_ml,

I think I used to use "Colors" and "Font" changes and then all of sudden I think the Forum wanted to control the FONT Sizes ... so I "on purpose" keep my font sdown.

If my assumptions are wrong may be one of the "Mods" or "Admin" can set me straight ... and I can again post with Larger Fonts.

Thanks,

G!

[dr_ml422]

The fonts in this post are just fine. I think this is the normal size. W/e you did on that last joke was too thin and light and could hardly be read. Real strain.