JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[josie]

Those Born 1930-1979!
>
> TO ALL THE KIDS
> WHO SURVIVED the
> 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
>
> First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked
> and/or drank while they were pregnant.
> They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from
> a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
>
> Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our
> tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored
> lead-based paints.
>
> We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors
> or cabinets and when we
> rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the
> risks we took hitchhiking.
> As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no
> car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
>
> Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was
> always a special treat.
>
> We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a
> bottle.
>
> We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one
> bottle and
>
> NO ONE actually died from this.
>
> We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank
> koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight
> because .
>
> WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !
>
> We would leave home in the morning and play all day,
> as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
>
> No one was able to reach us all day.
>
> And we were O.K.
>
> We would spend hours building our go-carts out of
> scraps and then ride down
> the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After
> running into the bushes a few times, we learned to
> solve the problem.
>
> We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no
> video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video
> movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell
> phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat
> rooms.......
> WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
>
> We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth
> and there were no
> lawsuits from these accidents.
>
> We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the
> worms did not live in us forever.
>
> We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
>
> made up games with sticks and tennis balls and,
> although we were told it would happen, we did not put
> out very many eyes.
>
> We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and
> knocked on the door or rang
> the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
>
> Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the
> team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with
> disappointment. Imagine that!!
>
> The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the
> law was unheard of.
>
> They actually sided with the law!
>
> These generations have produced some of the best
> risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
>
> The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation
> and new ideas.
>
> We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
> and we learned
>
> HOW TO
>
> DEAL WITH IT ALL!
>
> If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!
>
> You might want to share this with others who have had
> the luck to grow up as
> kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated
> so much of our lives
>
> for our own good
>
> And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so
> they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents
> were.
>
> Kind of makes you want to run through the house with
> scissors, doesn't it?!
>
> The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
>
> "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud
> slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the
> country from one end to another, and with the threat
> of bird flu and terrorist attacks,"Are we sure this is
> a good time to take God out of the Pledge of
> Allegiance?"
>
> For those that prefer to think that God is not
> watching over us....go ahead and delete this.
> For the rest of us.....pass this on.

[Kabuchan]

@ Josie

Isn't that the truth!

[Experi-Mentor]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says: "Jeeeeze dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

[alamo55]

Friends don't let friends take home ugly women

Beauty is only a light switch away.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her ****.

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Make love, not war. -Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom.

[Experi-Mentor]

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed tree surgeon debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and theTampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. Does that mean that one enjoys it?

[blutach]

Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Definitely!!

Regards

[lfcrule1972]

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

[alamo55]

Grandma’s Boyfriend

5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted!

[superman217]

Lets try this again

Two goldfish were in there tank. One turns to the other and says "You man the guns, i'll drive."

[alamo55]

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "S**t, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "S**t, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the
4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister ! is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "S**t, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out
of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"S**t, I missed."

[drfsupercenter]

http://www.jokeemail.com/childrens/childrens5.htm

LOL

[Aegmorgil]

Pharmacy Scenario; a behind the counter perspective:



You come to the counter. I am on the phone with a drunk dude who wants the phone number to the grocery store next door. After I instruct him on the virtues of 411, you tell me your doctor was to phone in your prescription to me. Your doctor hasn't and you're unwilling to wait until he does. Being in a generous mood, I call your doctor's office and am put on hold for 5 minutes, then informed that your prescription was phoned in to my competitor on the other side of town. Phoning the competitor, I am immediately put on hold for 5 minutes before speaking to a clerk, who puts me back on hold to wait for the pharmacist. Your prescription is then transferred to me, and now I have to get the 2 phone calls that have been put on hold while this was being done. Now I return to the counter to ask if we've ever filled prescriptions for you before.
For some reason, you think that "for you" means "for your cousin" and you answer my question with a "yes", whereupon I go the computer and see you are not on file.

The phone rings.

You have left to do something very important, such as browse through the monster truck magazines, and do not hear the three PA announcements requesting that you return to the pharmacy. You return eventually, expecting to pick up the finished prescription.......

The phone rings.

.......only to find out that I need to ask your address, phone number, date of birth, if you have any allergies and insurance coverage. You tell me you're allergic to codeine. Since the prescription is for Vicodin I ask you what exactly codeine did to you when you took it. You say it made your stomach hurt and I roll my eyes and write down "no known allergies." You tell me.......

The phone rings.

.......you have insurance and spend the next 5 minutes looking for your card. You give up and expect me to be able to file your claim anyway. I call my competitor and am immediately put on hold. Upon reaching a human, I ask them what insurance they have on file for you. I get the information and file your claim, which is rejected because you changed jobs 6 months ago. An ******* barges his way to the counter to ask where the bread is.

The phone rings.

I inform you that the insurance the other pharmacy has on file for you isn't working. You produce a card in under 10 seconds that you seemed to be unable to find before. What you were really doing was hoping your old insurance would still work because it had a lower copay. Your new card prominently displays the logo of Nebraska Blue Cross, and although Nebraska Blue cross does in fact handle millions of prescription claims every day, for the group you belong to, the claim should go to a company called Caremark, whose logo is nowhere on the card.

The phone rings.

A lady comes to the counter wanting to know why the cherry flavored antacid works better than the lemon cream flavored antacid. What probably happened is that she had a milder case of heartburn when she took the cherry flavored brand, as they both use the exact same ingredient in the same strength. She will not be satisfied though until I confirm her belief that the cherry flavored brand is the superior product. I file your claim with Caremark, who rejects it because you had a 30 day supply of Vicodin filled 15 days ago at another pharmacy. You swear to me on your mother's.......

The phone rings.

.......life that you did not have a Vicodin prescription filled recently. I call Caremark and am immediately placed on hold. The most beautiful woman on the planet walks by and notices not a thing. She has never talked to a pharmacist and never will. Upon reaching a human at Caremark, I am informed that the Vicodin prescription was indeed filled at another of my competitors. When I tell you this, you say you got hydrocodone there, not Vicodin. Another little part of me dies.

The phone rings.

It turns out that a few days after your doctor wrote your last prescription, he told you to take it more frequently, meaning that what Caremark thought was a 30-day supply is indeed a 15 day supply with the new instructions. I call your doctor's office to confirm this and am immediately placed on hold. I call Caremark to get an override and am immediately placed on hold. My laser printer has a paper jam. It's time for my tech to go to lunch. Caremark issues the override and your claim goes through. Your insurance saves you 85 cents off the regular price of the prescription.

The phone rings.

At the cash register you sign.......

The phone rings.

.......the acknowledgement that you received a copy of my HIPPA policy and that I offered the required OBRA counseling for new prescriptions. You remark that you're glad that your last pharmacist told you you shouldn't take over the counter Tylenol along with the Vicodin, and that the acetaminophen you're taking instead seems to be working pretty well. I break the news to you that Tylenol is simply a brand name for acetaminophen and you don't believe me. You fumble around for 2 minutes looking for your checkbook and spend another 2 minutes making out a check for four dollars and sixty seven cents. You ask why the tablets look different than those you got at the other pharmacy. I explain that they are from a different manufacturer. Tomorrow you'll be back to tell me they don't work as well.

Now imagine this wasn't you at all, but the person who dropped off their prescription three people ahead of you, and you'll start to have an idea why.......your prescription takes so damn long to fill.

[PurpleDemon]

Warning

Aflac Insurance Fraud
>
>
> Seems the BBB got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC
> was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their
>money.
>
> Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen
> from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from
> unsuspecting individuals.
>
> The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target.
> While
> admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and
> never know what hit them.
>
> I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and
>it's
> right out on the streets where the general public is.
>
> A passer by with a digital camera phone happen to capture the photo
>below.
>
> Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this
>come along.
>
> Good Luck
>
> Don't say you weren't warrned

[Kabuchan]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

[drfsupercenter]

LOL he should just get divorced