JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[PurpleDemon]

nstead of a Nursing Home

There will be no nursing home in my future........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

[PurpleDemon]

TEXAS PREPARATION




A guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Kelley," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Kelley says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Kelley, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damned thing!!"

[PurpleDemon]

A quite boozy dentist sits in his practice on a Christmas Eve. There rushes an older woman into his cabinet, moaning: "O! My tooth hurts like hell! Pull it out, son!" "I am a bit boozy," the dentist argues. "I might get a wrong tooth. You better come after the Christmas." "Take it off, now! I'll pay you! I cannot stand it anymore!" So the doctor gets down to it. Puts the old woman into his chair, tells her to open her mouth, puts the pincers into her mouth and... The old lady screams, leaps up and rushes out of the cabinet. After a couple of days a well-suited businessman walks into the same dentist's practice and asks: "Doctor, did you pull out a tooth of and old lady on the Christmas Eve?" "Yes, I did," the dentist says, wondering if he's in trouble now... "Well, here is 50 000 dollars and the keys of a SUV," the businessman says. "For what is that?" the doctor asks. "That woman was my mother-in-law. And you pulled out not the tooth but her tongue."

[PurpleDemon]

A doctor worked at a mental hospital. He wanted to take some patients to a ballgame, worked months to get them to follow simple commands, finally decided they were ready.

When the star spangled banner played he said: "Stand up nuts" and they stood. When it was over he said: "Sit down nuts" and they sat. When a player got a hit he said: "Cheer nuts" and they cheered. When the umpire made a bad call he said: "Boo nuts" and they booed.

He decided it was safe to leave them with his assistant & left to get a hot dog. He came back to a near riot. He asked his assistant what in the world happened. He said: "Everything was fine 'til some vendor came be and yelled 'peanuts'

[PurpleDemon]

There was this newly wed couple that was just married and the bride was home naked waiting for her husband to get home. Well, the mother-in-law decided to stop by and seen the young bride naked and asked what she was doing. And she said: "This is my love dress." The young girl told her that it works, so on the way home the mother-in-law thought about the love dress and when she got home she got totally naked and waited behind the door for husband to return. Her husband opened the door and saw his wife naked and asked why she was naked. And she said: "This is my love dress." He said: "Well, it needs some ironing."

[PurpleDemon]

Skeleton In The Closet

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

[PurpleDemon]

TEXTING FOR SENIORS (If you qualify for Senior Discounts this applies to you)


Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.


ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't Get Up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped in my pants
ROFL...CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

[PurpleDemon]

What Would Dear Abby Say?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

[PurpleDemon]

The Farmer and the Obnoxious Lawyer

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, 'I'm fine,' at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, 'I'm fine,' at the scene of the accident?"

Clyde continued: "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ." The lawyer interrupted again and said: "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded: "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and asked, 'How are you feeling?' " "Now what the hell would you say?"

[jonsmith01595]

Very common Mistake

One common mistake of people who suffer from TMJ Exercises is that they mistaken it as a disease or disorder caused by any organs in the body. Well you could not blame them if you suffer from pain in your back, ears, neck and jaws.

[PurpleDemon]

ENJOY!!


Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned….

CURTAIN RODS---PRICELESS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.


When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.


She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!


People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

[PurpleDemon]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless.

[PurpleDemon]

A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked: "Is my time up?" God said: "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded: "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "Hell ! I didn't recognize you!"

[PurpleDemon]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas"
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[PurpleDemon]

Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says: "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everyone."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow"