JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[PurpleDemon]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?



Unique Up On It.





2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?



Tame Way.





3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?



They Take The Psychopath





4. How Do You Get Holy Water?



You Boil The Hell Out Of It





5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?



Dam!





6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?







Polaroids





7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?



A Stick









8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?







Nacho Cheese.





9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?



Subordinate Clauses.





10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?



Quatro Cinco.





11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?



Spoiled Milk.





12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?



Frostbite.





13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?



A Nervous Wreck.





14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?



Anyone Can Roast Beef.





15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?



Right Where You Left Him.





16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?



Because They Have Big Fingers.





17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?



Because It Scares The Dog.





18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?



Sanka.





19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!



The Location Of The Dirt Bag.





20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?



Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.





21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?



A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!



A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.





22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?



Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

[PurpleDemon]

Morty, Simon and Jack were discussing their daily health woes.

Morty sighs and says, "I hate having to try to pee in the morning. I'll sit on the toilet for hours and all I can manage is a slow dribble. It's torture."

Simon shakes his head, and says, "I have it worse. I sit on the pot for hours hoping for a BM. It's agonizing."

Jack turns up his lips, and says, "You two think you have it bad? I never have those kinds of trouble. I've relieved myself completely by 8 o'clock every morning."

Morty and Simon look at each incredulously and turn to Jack. "What on earth are you complaining about, then?!" they ask.

"I don't wake up until 9!"

[PurpleDemon]

Miss Manners' Redneck Etiquette

GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

[PurpleDemon]

The last question on the test was:

'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk' worth 70 points or none at all.

Student Taking ExamOne student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:

1.) It is a perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7.) It comes in 2 attractive containers.

He got an A++.

[PurpleDemon]

.Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road pounding a sign into the ground that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'



As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled,

'YOU'RE RELIGIOUS NUTS!!!!'



From the curve they heard screeching tires, followed by a big splash... Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks...



'Do ya think maybe da sign shoulda jussay...'Bridge Out?'

[PurpleDemon]

A 78 year old woman goes to the doctor and complains that at 84 her husband does not have sex drive and does not want to take any pills. The doctor gives her a pill and tells her to put it in his coffee.Then she comes back to see the Doctor who asks how it went. "He ripped off my clothes threw me on the table and made passionate love to me."
"Well, why are you so unhappy?"
"We can never go back to McDonald's again."

[PurpleDemon]

Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[PurpleDemon]

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"

And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

[PurpleDemon]

A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled. . . "Keep Running!"

[PurpleDemon]

The Writer

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.

"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.

[PurpleDemon]

Flying Dream

When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher, faster, farther. Risking my life for the science of aviation.

But when I grew up I found out I wasn't qualified because of my poor eyesight. Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same thrills.

I'm always pushing the envelope

[dr_ml422]

Getting paid lovely too!

The Writer

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.

"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.

I wish I was writing error messages, though maybe not in redmond. Too much rain and we had enough this year.

[PurpleDemon]

The Pub

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets his beer and begins to drink it when he notices that the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.

The bartender is mad, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

The next day the man is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill.

The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill.

The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub.

The bartender says, "Here is your damn change."

The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"

[scottperez]

another on blonde's :
Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
A: The Branch Manager

[PurpleDemon]

Wanted?

A group of kindergarten children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," answered the policeman.

"Well," wondered the child, "why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"