JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[uufta]

> A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
>
> & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
>
> big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
>
> after dinner, she would like to go out & make love
>
> for the first time.
>
>
>
> * * * * * * * * *
>
> Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
>
> before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
>
> some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time &
>
> the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
>
>
>
> He tells the boy everything there is to know
> about condoms and sex.
>
>
> * * * * * * * * *
>
>
> At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
>
> condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
>
> pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
>
> thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.
>
>
> * * * * * * * * *
>
>
>
> That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
>
> house & meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
>
> so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
>
>
>
> * * * * * * * * *
>
>
>
> The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table
>
> where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
>
> offers to say grace & bows his head.
>
>
> * * * * * * * * *
>
>
> A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer,
>
> with his head down.
>
>
> * * * * * * * * *
>
>
> 10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.
>
> * * * * * * * * *
>
> Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
>
> girlfriend leans over & whispers to the
>
> boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
>
> * * * * * * * *
>
> The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your
>
> father was a pharmacist."
>
> * * * * * * * * *

[Experi-Mentor]

Blonde's year in review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to printlabels....."Duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those Little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!


What a year!!

[blutach]

@Mentor

Funny jokes for Carlton fans - Brendon Fevola sent home for drunked behavious in Ireland!

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Regards

[Aegmorgil]

>>
>> The Earring
>>
>> A man is at work one day when he notices that his
>>
>> co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows
>>
>> his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
>>
>> and is curious about his sudden change in fashion
>>
>> sense. The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't
>>
>> know you were into earrings".
>>
>> "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,"
>>
>> he replies sheepishly.
>>
>> His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his
>>
>> curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you
>>
>> been wearing it?"
>>
>> "Ever since my wife found it in my truck.

[nwg]

I just been told this really bad joke.

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler!

[slapbass]

Mystery Trip

A Coach(Tour Bus) driver organised a "mystery" trip one day.All the passengers decided to guess where the trip was going to finish up.For £1 each they all had a guess and the winner would get all the money.The Coach(Tour Bus) driver won £53 that day.

[soup]

Congratulations
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

30's, 40's, 50's, 60's & 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.


Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.


Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......


WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms........ .WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no

lawsuits from these accidents.


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.


We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.



We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!


Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!


The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!


This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!


The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned


HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!


And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.


Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age

[uufta]

Greeting Cards

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you’ve come into my life…
(Inside card) - I’ve changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life…
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am….
(Inside card) - That you’re not here to ruin it for me .

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go….
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You’ll probably
need it again.




5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age….
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you’d die for me…
(Inside card) - Now we’ve broken up, I think it’s time to keep your
promise.

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy….
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…
(Inside card) - I’d miss you terribly and think of you often .

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday…
(Inside card) - So we’re having you put to sleep.

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can’t help but wonder….
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

11. I’m so miserable without you…
(Inside card) - It’s almost like you’re still here.

12. Thank you for being part of my life…..
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!…
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. How can I say this….
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

15. Hooray…..
(Inside card) - You’re divorced.

16. I just want you to know that I’m sorry for what happened…
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

17. Congrats on getting married…
(Inside card) - It’s not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

18. Someday I hope to marry…
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

19. We have been friends for a very long time…
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

[drfsupercenter]

I gotta make one of those for some people I know

[Experi-Mentor]

Only we humans stutter...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty cat and the rotweiller who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence and into our yard!
"That must have been so scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", replied the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff', and before he could say 'fark', the rottweiler ate him!"

[Experi-Mentor]

more funny jokes for carlton fans :

what do you call 5000 c'wood supporters on the bottom of the atlantic ?
= a good start

[blutach]

[Experi-Mentor]

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and
asked them to come up with the remainder of the simile.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are
first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses...................... until they stop running.

2. Strike while the......................... bug is close.

3. Its always darkest before................ Daylight Savings Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of........ termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ...... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that........... looks dirty.

7. No news is............................... impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a.................. Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new............ math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll....... stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust........................ me.

12. The pen is mightier than the .......... pigs.

13. An idle mind is......................... the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's............ pollution.

15. Happy the bride who..................... gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ....................... not much.

17. Two's company, three's............ the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ...... you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry....... and you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as............... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not.......... spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed............ get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you........... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind.............. get out of the way.

[Dubious]

A Scenerio

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side
is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same
size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also
traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly
dangerous situation?






Get off the "Merry-Go-Round" your DRUNK!

[Aegmorgil]

FIVE SURGEONS


Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who are the
best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York ,
says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds,
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."


The third surgeon, from Dallas says,
"No, I really think librarians are
the best, everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles
chimes in: "You know, I like
construction
workers...those guys
always understand when you have a few
parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington
DC shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls,no brains and no spine,
and the head and the ass are interchangeable."