JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[Aegmorgil]

>These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
>published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>WITNESS: July 18th.
>ATTORNEY: What year?
>WITNESS: Every year.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
>something you forgot?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>____________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
>he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually
>pass the bar exam?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Would you repeat the
>question?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh....
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

>____________________
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
>notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress
>when I go to
>work.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
>people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

>____________________
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>WITNESS: Oral.

>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>autopsy on him!

____________________
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS: Huh?

>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
>pulse? WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS:
>No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
>began the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practicing law.

[Kabuchan]

Wonder why there are so many lawyer jokes???

[blutach]

Wonder why there are so many lawyers.

Regards

[drfsupercenter]

My grandpa's one, but I don't really get offended over that LOL.

As said by Weird Al, "A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawyer, I suppose that proves they're really not all bad"

[dazuk1972]

Wonder why there are so many lawyers.

Regards

If anybody murders their lawyer, who defends them in court? If an unknown lawyer is selected, I wonder how he is. He might be Mr. Bean.

Darren.

[Aegmorgil]

If anybody murders their lawyer, who defends them in court?

Darren.

I think everyone would defend them!

[Kabuchan]

Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b_tch in the kitchen."

[Kabuchan]

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because
I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

[uufta]

Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2006 21:07:38 -0600


>>> >If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
>>> >when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever,
>>> >first
>>> >date or not!
>>> >
>>> >We have all had bad dates....but this takes the cake. This just tells
>> you
>>> >how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight
>>> >Show"
>>> >with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most
>>> >embarrassing
>>> >first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst
>>> >first
>>> >date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale
>> took
>>> >the prize!
>>> >
>>> >She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
>>> >taken her skiing in the mountains outside of Salt Lake City, Utah It
>> was
>>> >a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly
>>> >had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
>> until
>>> >they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down
>> the
>>> >mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have
>> had
>>> >that extra latte.
>>> >
>>> >They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
>>> >middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which
>> she
>>> >did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow
>>> >going, there came a point when she told him that he had better stop
>>> >and
>>> >let her pee beside the road, or it would be on the front seat of his
>> car.
>>> >
>>> >They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
>> pants
>>> >down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so
>> she
>>> >let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
>>> >
>>> >Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
>> indeed
>>> >was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
>>> >about was the relief she felt, despite the rather embarrassing nature
>>> >of
>>> >the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of
>> another
>>> >sensation.
>>> >
>>> >As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
>>> >buttocks
>>> >were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues
>>> >frozen
>> to
>>> >pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
>>> >flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a
>>> >brand
>>> >new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet
>>> >aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns
>>> >about
>>> >"what is taking so long" with a reply that, indeed, she was "freezing
>>> >her
>>> >butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as
>> she
>>> >tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked
>>> >imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the
>>> >giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they
>> assessed
>>> >her dilemma.
>>> >
>>> >Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced
>>> >with
>> a
>>> >real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her
>> chilly
>>> >cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
>>> >
>>> >Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
>>> >place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
>> free.
>>> >So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip
>> his
>>> >pants and pee her butt off the fender.
>>> >
>>> >As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
>>> >hands down or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought
>>> >your
>>> >first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole
>>> >new
>>> >meaning to being pissed off."

[uufta]

Cool things about being a man

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.
Your underwear costs $1.00 for a three-pack.
If you are 36 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
Same work, more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - ,000. Tuxedo rental - .
You can drop by to see a friend without having to take a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals never trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut or bolt.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
A few belches are expected and tolerated.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th in 45 minutes

[drfsupercenter]

I agree with all but the last one. For that I go to FYE or the likes, and get everyone DVDs. Thank god my parents still pay for the gifts I give

[Tolstoy]

My Daddy Is A Lawyer


While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

[spartikus]

Funny stuff!!!

[uufta]

[uufta]

Damned when ya do, damned if ya don't


Why men die first is a question that has gone unanswered for
centuries, but now we know:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and
try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist; if you stay home and
do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there's never any
time for her; if you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation; if you
have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy
ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that
is favoritism; if she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment; if you keep
quiet it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp; if you don't, you're
an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting
her, you're a chauvinist; if she makes a decision without consulting you, she's
a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't
enjoy, that's domination; if she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the
female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert; if you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist;
if you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape,
you're vain; if you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers,
you're after something; if you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your
achievements, you're full of yourself; if you aren't you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired; if you have a headache, you don't love her
anymore.

Men die first because they want to.