JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[Aegmorgil]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how
much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch
this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.


13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[Aegmorgil]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his
bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her
to come nearer.

She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what? You have been with me all through the bad
times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my
side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart
began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."

[uufta]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
> should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men,
> the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
> concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
> decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on
>his study table three objects: A Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of
>whisky. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
>"and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which
>
>object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me,
>
>and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to
>
>be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the
>bottle,
>
>he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would
>be."
>
> The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
> entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The son tossed his
> books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
>objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect
> them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He
> picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked
>the bottle and took a big drink. "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered,
>"he's gonna run for Congress!"

[uufta]

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

They all looked at each other, and one of the mechanics asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:

http://mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg

[Kabuchan]

[uufta]

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and
Said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."

"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV..

Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life Crisis.......

[soup]

[Experi-Mentor]

not jokes, but funny in other ways :

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.


Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.


The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MUSTACHE


American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive rom each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.


Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!


PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.


A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

[Experi-Mentor]

A LITTLE FLAB !!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said... "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said.... "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response... So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.' With a death grip in place, she said... "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"

[Experi-Mentor]

Men strike back!

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Experi-Mentor]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.??" Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles,she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,"Thank you very much.?? That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

[blutach]

[Aegmorgil]

> Just reported from the Associated Press:

>>>The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a
> Nativity Scene
>>>in Washington , DC this 2006 Christmas season. This
> isn't for any
>>>religious reason, they simply have not been able to
> find three wise
>>>men or a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
>>>There was no problem, however, finding enough asses
> to fill the stable.

[Aegmorgil]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with.
Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns.
Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
Ricky, age 10

[blutach]

I do like the last one.

Regards