a touch of humor

**setarip** · 4 Jun 2005, 12:39 AM

That's REALLY cute stuff ;>}

**jm1647** · 4 Jun 2005, 05:31 AM

Haven't seen it for awhile....THANKS for posting it ...LMAO again

**blutach** · 4 Jun 2005, 07:25 PM

Well, how 'bout this one?

Two women in heaven, recent arrivals, were comparing stories on how they had died.

First woman said, "I froze to death."

Second woman, "You froze to death - how horrible!"

First woman, "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman, "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman, "So what happened?"

Second woman, "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and went down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I Just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

First woman, "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive."

Regards

**Experi-Mentor** · 5 Jun 2005, 12:08 AM

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm.
The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all over the seat. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb".

**Mig$y** · 5 Jun 2005, 12:47 AM

Very good guys

(Congrats on reaching 1000 posts too Experi-Mentor!)
___________________________________

Ring ring ring ring...........

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!"

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy, right now!"

"Uh, Okay, then... Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ....but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."

***long pause***

***more pause****

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 0208 557 039 ?"

**blutach** · 5 Jun 2005, 12:50 AM

Heh heh heh. Nice ones migsy and E-M!

Regards

**Experi-Mentor** · 5 Jun 2005, 12:58 AM

thanks mig$y

one more b4 i switch off :

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
>> extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak" "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left,we hope you fall down the stairs.

**tigerman8u** · 5 Jun 2005, 03:31 AM

really good guys. Gave me a smile for the day.

**tony7914** · 5 Jun 2005, 03:59 AM

Prostate Exam

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients while performing a prostate exam

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?â€

**Experi-Mentor** · 5 Jun 2005, 04:08 PM

Why ARE Men Happier?

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress- $5000. Tux rental- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood - all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

**tony7914** · 6 Jun 2005, 02:49 AM

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading
rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says
the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leop ard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog
sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them
yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that dang monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bulls**t and brilliance only come with age and experience!

**photo_angel2004** · 6 Jun 2005, 03:17 AM

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents:

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

**tony7914** · 6 Jun 2005, 03:21 AM

that's good!

**Experi-Mentor** · 10 Jun 2005, 04:44 PM

keep reading 'em everybody (add more to keep the laughs going too).
there can never be enough laughter/happiness in 1's life

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

a touch of humor

a touch of humor

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment