JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[soup]

Now that's funny.

[uufta]

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

[uufta]

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess Who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[uufta]

You Know Your Getting Old When.....

A 30-year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.

You no longer consider staying under the speed limit a challenge.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guys with the Live Doppler 10,000.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

You know you're a grown-up because you groan every time you get up.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.

You turn out the light for economic reasons.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off, and that bundle you've spent on life insurance is starting to look smart, too.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You're proud of your lawn mower.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

You're asleep, but others worry you're dead.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You learn where your prostate is.

People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

You answer questions with, "Because I said so!"

You know what the word "equity" means.

[drfsupercenter]

Hey uufta, have you been hanging around my grandma?

[uufta]

Here is some more...

You know you're getting old when...

Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.

The fire department is asked to attend your birthday party in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.

Medicare says you're too old for their coverage.

You can't be tried by a jury of your peers because there are none.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don't want you behind the wheel.

Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.


A passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You are often asked to give a personal account of the story of creation.

You wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

The clothes you've put away until they come back in style have come back in style.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

[uufta]

A get well card..

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends,
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

[Aegmorgil]

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony and just before the undertakers got
ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the
casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So, her friend said,"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"
The loyal wife replied,"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket
with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
exclaimed the friend.
"Sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check.
If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Aegmorgil]

> Someone out there either has too much
> spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
>
>
> DORMITORY:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> DIRTY ROOM
>
>
>
> PRESBYTERIAN:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> BEST IN PRAYER
>
>
>
> ASTRONOMER:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> MOON STARER
>
>
>
> DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
> A ROPE ENDS IT
>
>
>
> THE EYES: !
> When you rearrange the letters:
> THEY SEE
>
>
>
> GEORGE BUSH:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> HE BUGS GORE
>
>
>
> THE MORSE CODE :
> When you rearrange the letters:
> HERE COME DOTS
>
>
>
> SLOT MACHINES:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> CASH LOST IN ME
>
>
>
> ANIMOSITY:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> IS NO AMITY
>
>
>
> ELECTION RESULTS:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
>
>
>
> SNOOZE ALARMS:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
>
>
>
> A DECIMAL POINT:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> IM A DOT IN PLACE
>
>
>
> THE EARTHQUAKES:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> THAT QUEER SHAKE
>
>
>
> ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> TWELVE PLUS ONE
>
>
>
> AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
>
> MOTHER-IN-LAW:
> When you rearrange the letters:
> WOMAN HITLER

[Aegmorgil]

> For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
> nutrition and health.
>
> It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
> studies.
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> Americans.
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> Americans.
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
> than Americans.
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
> than Americans.
>
> 5. The Germans drink lots of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
> suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
> CONCLUSION
>
> Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
> you.
>
>

[uufta]

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there." The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, "Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any nuns there."

[uufta]

At last! A bumper sticker that is available for both parties.



FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper

sticker.





The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State.





"Run Hillary, Run"





Democrats put it on the rear bumper.



Republicans put it on the front bumper.

[uufta]

Just a thought for us all..

There once was a woman who woke up one
morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she
had only three hairs on her head.

"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today."

So, she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"H-m-m, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down
the middle today."

So, she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and
saw that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair
in a pony tail."

So, she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

As is evident, "ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING!!!"!

Have a GREAT DAY! Be kinder than necessary, for
everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak gently.

[uufta]

LARGE BRAINS
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

[Aegmorgil]

MAN LAWS...

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If
you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only
when
it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick
another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as
the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but
not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no
reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a
big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange
or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.