JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

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  • uufta
    Digital Video Expert
    Digital Video Expert
    • Dec 2005
    • 635

    AUTO REPAIR
    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
    After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

    She says, "What's the story?"

    He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

    She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

    EXPOSURE
    A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

    A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

    She says, "Why, officer?"

    "Because your breast is hanging out."

    She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

    RIVER WALK
    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another Blonde on the opposite bank.

    "Yoo-hoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"

    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

    KNITTING
    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

    Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

    "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

    BLONDE ON THE SUN
    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

    The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"

    The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

    The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

    "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

    To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

    SPEEDING TICKET
    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

    She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

    THE VACUUM
    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

    Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

    She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

    FINAL EXAM
    The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

    Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

    During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

    "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

    THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
    There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
    "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, the Blonde."

    She then pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

    The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

    Inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

    NOT BLONDE, but . .. .
    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.=20 The Russians used a pencil.

    Comment

    • PurpleDemon
      Digital Video Expert
      Digital Video Expert
      • Mar 2006
      • 716

      Snow Blonde

      >> >One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over
      > breakfast.
      >> >They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches
      > of
      >> >snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of
      the
      >
      >> >street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out
      > and
      >> moves her car.
      >> >
      >> >A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
      >> >announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
      > You
      >> >must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
      >> >snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her
      > car
      >> again.
      >> >
      >> >The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
      >> >announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You
      >
      >> >must park ..." Then the power goes out.
      >> >
      >> >Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face
      > she
      >> >says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do
      > I
      >> >need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
      >> >With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
      >> >married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ..
      >> >
      >> >"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

      Comment

      • uufta
        Digital Video Expert
        Digital Video Expert
        • Dec 2005
        • 635

        HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

        Blonde's year in review

        January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

        February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
        labels....."duh".....bottles won`t fit in typewriter!!!

        March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said
        "2-4 years!"

        April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

        May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won`t fit into those
        little packets!!!

        June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn`t find a lake with a slope.

        July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other
        swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

        August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because
        top was down.

        September - The capital of California is "C".....isn`t it???

        October - Hate M &M`s.....they are so hard to peel.

        November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
        pound and I weigh 108!!!

        December - Couldn`t call 911....."duh".....there`s no "eleven" button on
        the phone!!!


        What a year!!

        Comment

        • uufta
          Digital Video Expert
          Digital Video Expert
          • Dec 2005
          • 635

          A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

          Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

          Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

          The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

          The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

          Comment

          • uufta
            Digital Video Expert
            Digital Video Expert
            • Dec 2005
            • 635

            Not Just Blondes Are Dumb

            One day a housework-challenged Okie decided to wash his sweatshirt.

            Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his spouse,"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

            "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

            He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

            And they say blondes are dumb...

            Comment

            • uufta
              Digital Video Expert
              Digital Video Expert
              • Dec 2005
              • 635

              Just think of the uses for this joke..

              Not Just Blondes Are Dumb..

              One day a housework-challenged "Cheese-Head" decided to wash his sweatshirt.

              Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his spouse,"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

              "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

              He yelled back, "Green Bay Packers."

              And they say blondes are dumb...

              Comment

              • uufta
                Digital Video Expert
                Digital Video Expert
                • Dec 2005
                • 635

                IDLE THOUGHTS OF A RETIRED PERSON...(WHOSE MIND WANDERS)

                I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

                I had amnesia once -- or twice.

                I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

                Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

                All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

                If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

                What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

                They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

                Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

                Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

                Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

                What if there were no hypothetical questions?

                One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

                When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

                A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

                What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?

                My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

                I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

                The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

                How can there be self-help "groups"?

                Is there another word for synonym?

                Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

                The speed of time is one-second per second.

                Is it possible to be totally partial?

                What's another word for thesaurus?

                Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

                If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

                Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

                It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

                Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

                Comment

                • uufta
                  Digital Video Expert
                  Digital Video Expert
                  • Dec 2005
                  • 635

                  My Favorite..

                  "When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail."

                  Comment

                  • Aegmorgil
                    Super Member
                    Super Member
                    • Nov 2005
                    • 232

                    If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

                    That one's my favorite. Same goes for that damnable bar on boys' bicycles! Personally, I'd rather go over the handlebars than land on that!

                    Comment

                    • Kabuchan
                      Digital Video Enthusiast
                      Digital Video Enthusiast
                      • Apr 2006
                      • 399

                      A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

                      The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

                      Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

                      Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

                      The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

                      She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

                      He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
                      That was Zen, this is Tao

                      My Gallery

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                      • dazuk1972
                        Digital Video Specialist
                        Digital Video Specialist
                        • Jul 2005
                        • 853

                        Spam

                        I don't expect that kind of Spam in my e-mails.

                        Comment

                        • dazuk1972
                          Digital Video Specialist
                          Digital Video Specialist
                          • Jul 2005
                          • 853

                          Clap

                          He caught the clap?

                          Comment

                          • uufta
                            Digital Video Expert
                            Digital Video Expert
                            • Dec 2005
                            • 635

                            It's not too often that you hear a joke about blond guys...

                            Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

                            They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

                            An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

                            The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

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                            • Kabuchan
                              Digital Video Enthusiast
                              Digital Video Enthusiast
                              • Apr 2006
                              • 399

                              That was Zen, this is Tao

                              My Gallery

                              Comment

                              • uufta
                                Digital Video Expert
                                Digital Video Expert
                                • Dec 2005
                                • 635

                                A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

                                "This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring."I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

                                He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

                                The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man.

                                "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

                                The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

                                The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

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