JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[locoeng]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C..

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well", he says, "I figure the job will the job will run about $900:
$400 for material, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or fugure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys!"
"How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!", replies the government official.

[Chokito]

Hey Loco I live in Italy and... this sounds familiar!


Hope I don't get into trouble with this one.

A 99 year old man is sitting by his 98 year old wife's dying bed and she tells him "Darling I have to tell you a secret".
He answers "Tell me honey".
She gives him instructions "In the barn, at the foot of the third pole. Dig there and you'll find a box. Bring it here."
The old man goes to the barn and does as instructed. Finds the box, brings it back and opens it. In the box are three eggs and 250.000 bucks. He looks at his wife and asks "What are the eggs for?"
The wife tells him "In our years of marriage every time we made love and I didn't reach the climax I put away one egg".
The man looks at the three eggs and, proud, is almost in tears. 70 years of marriage... three eggs. Next he asks "And why the 250.000 dollars?".
His wife answers "Every time I got to a dozen I went to the market and sold them".

[Aegmorgil]

SUPPOSEDLY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON WISCONSIN RADIO (BUT FUNNY EITHER WAY):


A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00
(with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin.
It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are
frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their
GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking open
water area for the ducks to focus on, something for
the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a
passing duck, is going to take a little more power
than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick
of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two
Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice
while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and
becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on
the following course of action: they light the 40
second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible .

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG..???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab
used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the
owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the
ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of
dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it
hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms
and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble
stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to
stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his
master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the
dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly
big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a
moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another
shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes
really confused and of course terrified, thinks these
two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to
find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot
exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end,
he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes
off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! !
! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of
the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with
"I can't believe this just happened" looks on their
faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by
the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of
those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . .doing fine.


And you thought Rednecks only lived in the South.......

[uufta]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching... so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay, and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

[uufta]

HEALTH VIOLATION
A man orders a hot dog with relish from a street vendor. The vendor grabs the dog with his bare hands and puts it on a bun. He then applies the relish with his fingers. The man pulls out a badge and says, "I'm the health inspector and I'm shutting you down!" The vendor pleads with the inspector and promises to clean up his act. The inspector agrees, but warns he'll be stopping by unannounced another time. A month later, the inspector returns and orders a hot dog with relish. The vendor carefully grabs the dog with a pair of tongs and uses another pair to put on the relish. "You've passed," the inspector says before noticing a string hanging out of the vendor's zipper. "Wait!" he says. "What's that for?" "The vendor replies, "I'm so clean that when I go to the bathroom, I don't even touch myself. I pull it out with the string." "And how do you get it back in your pants?" the inspector asks. "Easy," says the vendor. "I use the tongs."

[uufta]

>Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were
>Attending their first graduate-level class on emotional extremes. "Just
>To establish some parameters." said the professor to the student from
>UCLA, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness'" said the student. "And
>The opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.
>"Elation," she said. "And you, sir," he said to the student from
>Oklahoma State University, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Oklahoma
>State University student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be
>Giddy-up."

[Experi-Mentor]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him that he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
He makes love to all of them then begins to explore the house. As he walks he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; It's the two blonde genies. One says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish, having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

[Experi-Mentor]

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door
to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said.
"Just look at you. You have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

[Experi-Mentor]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies , "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room 221."

================================================== ======

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've g ot a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
"The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

================================================== ======

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later , Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
Yes, I did." he replied.
My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"And what happened with the pickle slicer?"
" Oh...she got fired too."

[Experi-Mentor]

A Greek, named Yanni, moved to the midwest after getting off the boat and
bought himself a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to
deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, that farmer drove up and said, "I'm Sorry, but I have some bad
news...the donkey died just last night."

"Well, then, just give my money back kefala."

"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload that donkey."

"What are you gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey, you crazy Greek!"

"Well that's where you wrong. You watch you and you learn how we Greeks so smart!"

A month later the farmer met up with the Greek and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"!

"I raffled that donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just that guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back!

[Aegmorgil]

The Wedding


I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
Dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger
sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a
nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near
anyone
else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered
to me
that she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just
once
before I got married
and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and
couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
the
front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very
happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family!"


And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Aegmorgil]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication
On the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
____________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ ________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[Aegmorgil]

A short history of medicine:
I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.



---------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24
hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very
bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

[Aegmorgil]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid
term.


The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it
expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the
rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think
that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to
more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates
as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,
we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>


This gives two possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will
be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept
with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Aegmorgil]

> Announcement from Apple:
>
> Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer
chip
> that
> can store and play music in women's breast implants.
>
> The iBreast will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size.
>
> This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are

> always
> complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening
to
> them.
>
> Problem solved!