JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[uufta]

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

[uufta]

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads
for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave
absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
running
up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my
favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my
pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call "an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human
body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits
from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough
time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir,
you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last
month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I
wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus,
I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period."

Are you f**king kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness actual
smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound
the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI,
unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there
will never be anything "happy" about a day in which
you
have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlza and lock
yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For
the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just
have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't
it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular
Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise
I will keep.

Always.


Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

[Aegmorgil]

>>> >> A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >> Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing
>> an
>>> >> amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
>>> >> mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
>>> >> willing to try it out.
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >> Both said they were very much in favor of it.
>>> >>
>>> >> The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters,
>>> >> explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the
>>> >> father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed,
>> the
>>> >> husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a
>>> >> notch.
>>> >>
>>> >> The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
>> The
>>>
>>> >> husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the
>> husband's
>>>
>>> >> blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
>>> >>
>>> >> At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband
>>> >> continued
>>> >> to
>>> >> feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the
>>>wife
>>> >> considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the
>>>pain
>>> >> to
>>> >> him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and
>>>the
>>> >> husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >> When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.
>>> >>
>>>

[Kabuchan]

@ Aegmorgil - OMG!

[Experi-Mentor]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard,"

She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says
calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[Experi-Mentor]

12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on TV & Radio........................



1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."


3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."


5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ......Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."


11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."


12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

[Experi-Mentor]

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[Experi-Mentor]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . ..
. . .. ."Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Experi-Mentor]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

================================================== ===

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

================================================== ===

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."

================================================== ===

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in s ome more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Aegmorgil]

A girl from Wisconsin and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Wisconsin, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya from?"

The east coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Wisconsin sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya from, b*tch?"

[Experi-Mentor]

An Aussie was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in.
As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big, burly Yank says," That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank guy sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings."

[DavidT]

A True Australian Ghost Story…

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other,



"Look, Bruce ...... there's that f***ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

[beachbumm33]

What were the last words heard from the redneck before his death?


Hey ya'll, watch this.

[uufta]

A first grade schoolteacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight will surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 1st graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses .............................................. until they stop running.
2. Strike while the............................................... .........bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before .........................................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ............................... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ................................ how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ..............................................look s dirty.
7. No news is................................................ ................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ............................................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ................................ math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............................... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust............................................. ..............me.
12. The pen is mightier than the.......................................pigs.
13. An idle mind is................................................ .........the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's .....................................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who............................................... .. gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is .................................................. ....not much
17. Two's company, three's .............................................. the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ................................ you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as .........................................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ................................ spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed . .............................................get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ..................... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ..................................... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than.............................................. .............pregnant

[soup]

A wee bit of Scottish Humour

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"85 pounds! Huv ye no' got anything cheaper"?

"That's the normal charge", said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye did nae use any anasthetic"?

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it & knock 5 pounds off".

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees & still without an anasthetic"?

"I can't guarantee their professionalism, & it'll be painful, but the price could drop to 40 pounds".

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session,' ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' & learnin'"?

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist, "&it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you 5 pounds".

"Och now yer talkin', laddie! It's a deal", said the Scotsman. "Then can ye confirm an appointment next Tuesday for me wife"?