JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[Experi-Mentor]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
some of her own skin. However, the only Skin on her body that the doctor
felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more
handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on
and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did
for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek!

[uufta]

>> > One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became
>> > aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
>> >
>> > He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of
>> > her
>> > back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
>> >
>> > Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his
>> hand
>> > over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her
>> > waist.
>> >
>> > He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
>> >
>> > His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle
>> > probing
>> > then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned
>> > to do the same to her right thigh.
>> >
>> > By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little
>> > to
>> > better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to
>> his
>> > side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
>> >
>> > He whispered back, "I found the remote."

[cliff_cupped]

RESUME BLOOPERS

- --Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

- --Responsibility makes me nervous.

- --They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.

- --Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.

- --I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

- --The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

- --While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured
so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of
financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

- --I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

- --Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my
employer does not know I am looking for another job.

- --My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

- --I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

- --Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

- --Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

- --Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

- --Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

- --Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

- --I'm a rabid typist.

- --Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
operation.</pre>

[jm1647]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Aegmorgil]

> A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the
>breeding bulls exhibit.
>
> They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
>"This bull mated 50 times last year."
>
> The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
>times last year."
>
> They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
>bull mated 120 times last year."
>
> The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than
>twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
>
> They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
>capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
>
> The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
>said, "That's once a DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
>
> The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with
>the same cow."
>
> >>> > NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
>stable....

[Kabuchan]

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I had the same type oF problem with my mom-in-law. Kept saying how my son looked like everyone in her family, but never like me. One day she asked if I thought he looked like Uncle Bob, I said, "No, he looks like the mailman to me." She never said another word

[Experi-Mentor]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

[Experi-Mentor]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said, "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
He asked if he could see and she pulled up her skirt and showed him. "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches. I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!

[Experi-Mentor]

RED Headed Babies
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families
on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy? The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

[Experi-Mentor]

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!

Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap."

[Experi-Mentor]

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud "Bloody hell!. I wonder what happened to this parrot?

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"Holy smoke", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The bloke looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!"

The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, hesympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down....

"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

God knows" say's the parrot, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

[Experi-Mentor]

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

[Experi-Mentor]

The Death of Bertha.

Ethel & Jane who where close friends of Bertha where at her funeral

The minister conducted her eulogy with heart-felt gusto.
"Bertha married and had thirteen children. Her husband died."

"She married again and had seven more children. Again, her husband died."

"But, she married yet again and this time had five more children. Again, her
husband died."

"Then, alas, she finally died," he intoned.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for Bertha. He thanked the
Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her friend Jane, "Do you think he means
her first, second or third husband?"

Jane whispered, "I think he means her legs."

[blutach]

Good ones Mentor

Regards

[Experi-Mentor]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, " You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late.

His friendlooks at him and says " Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!! " and she acts like she's sound asleep!
Works Every Time!!!