JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[drfsupercenter]

Chuck Norris can edit PDF files.

So can I, using certain software

But otherwise, those are great! What's the deal with Chuck Norris anyway? When did he go from actor to God?

Here's one for you guys:

Behind Every Policy Is A Stupid Customer
Coffee Shop | Rockville, MD, USA

Customer: “I don’t want a lid.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s company policy. I have to serve your hot beverage with a lid on.”

Customer: “This is stupid.”

Me: “We don’t want you to burn yourself–”

Customer: “Then I’ll just blame you.”

Me: “… and that would be why we have the company policy.”

[dr_ml422]

The difference between a democrat and a republican.

If you're hungry the democrats will throw you a fish. Not too long after you'll be hungry again so you'll want more fish.

A republican will give you a fishing rod and tell you, "See that ocean over there. It's full of fish. Go fishing and get them. You'll never be hungry."


City Of Miami

High School Math Proficiency Exam

-1=A
-2=B
-3=C
-4=Get Shot

1. if someone has an AK-47 w/a 40 round clip and misses 6 out of 10 shots, and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

2. Someone has 2 oz. of coc...e. He sells and 8-b..l to another kid for $220 and 2 grms. to another for $85 per grm. What is the street value of the balance of the c.ke if he doesn't out it?

3.Someone is pimping 4 3 g..ls. If the price is $65 a tr..ck, how many tri...s will each g..l have to turn so he can pay for his $300 a day cr..k habit?

4. Some kid gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?

5. This guy is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000.00 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the b...h that spent his money?

6. If the average spray can covers 22 sq. ft. and the average letter is 8 sq. ft, how many letters can you spray w/3 cans of paint?

7. Some guy got 3 gi..s preg...t in his gang. There are 27 gi..s in the gang. What percentage of the gang has he got preg...t?

[dr_ml422]

2 best friends were always going out together. especially to the ball games. they were best friends for a long time and so 1 day decided to make a pact. If 1 should die b4 the other then he should come back and tell his buddy how it's like up there in heaven.

Well the day came and 1 of the guys past away. his friend waited for a bit but still no sign of his friend. he waited some more and still no sign of him. he was getting impatient and worried when a couple of months later his best friend showed up. he was happy as can be.

He asked his friend,"so, how is it up there? Is it really how they say it is?" his friend says,"well i have some good news and some bad news. the good news is that it's everything we heard of and more. no more disease. everyone's happy. you walk w/the lord and you even get to see your relatives again. Oh and they play ball up there too. The games are great."

His buddy says,"wow that's awesome. so it's just like it is in the book. Now what's the bad news?" His buddy answers,"Well there's a game tonight and you're pitching."

[dr_ml422]

And now let me introduce you to my nominee for vice president of the United States Of America. Please give a warm welcome to gov. Sarah Palin from Alaska.

[dr_ml422]

Ever see a 1 legged man trying to kick a door down?

Which came 1st the chicken or the egg? The rooster.

[gonwk]

Hey dr_ml,

You don't post ... and then you load up ... what gives ... no good movies to catch with your Honey!

I liked the "2 Best Friends" one ... I was rolling and tossing! THANKS!

Keep them coming!

G!

[dr_ml422]

Thnx gonwk. Don't tell me you have a crystal ball too. Actually I'm single again.

My last words were,"I'm the best thing that came out of your life." Lol...

[PurpleDemon]

Actually I'm single again.

A lot of that going around in the forum. Mine was the end of May.

Thanks for the chicken one. I have always heard it asked, but you were the first to give me an answer.

Good Luck to you

[dr_ml422]

I've learned over the years that the best time to get another honey is when you're not looking at all. Also a bit older now, wiser and definitely more secure I have no area about whether or not another one shows up. They always do, and when they come I just try to ride that wave until it hits the beach. Hopefully it'll never reach the shore or at least take its time.

You'll be just fine as well. Believe me.

Now once I told this girl,"If I was Adam and you were Eve how would we go about eating this apple." Lol...

[Kabuchan]

ACTUAL
AUSTRALIAN COURT
DOCKET 12659
---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY LOL !!!

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her
was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, w hen the lady got on the
bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then
she moved and sat under a sign that said, '
Logan 's Liniment will reduce the
swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign
that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain
myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a
sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I
just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

True!

[dr_ml422]

There's this judge called roughwax in nyc. his daughter was violated years ago and she serves as a da. Now he's no joke and definitely not the one to go b4 at the time of sentencing. Some of his actual sentences handed down were preceded by the following:

"You see those trees outside the courtroom window?" "No your honor." "Don't worry, by the time you get out there'll be a small forest out there."

"how many buttons on that shirt son?" "10 your honor." "10 yrs. that's your sentence."

"Do you know why you did what you did kid?" "No your honor." "Do you have any idea of the people you hurt and how their lives will never be the same?' "No your honor." "Don't worry. No problem kid. You'll have 25yrs. to life to try and figure it out."

"So you're an alcoholic huh?" "Yes your honor." "You claimed you were in a blackout when you committed these crimes correct?" "Yes your honor." "Do you attend AA meetings?" "I do your honor. I try my best to." "Ok. I appreciate your honesty and efforts to straighten out your life. We've been having meetings in prison for a long time now. Maybe 20 yrs. will help you get back on track. You'll have plenty of time to figure it out."

[Old Gal]

http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/busrider.asp

[dr_ml422]

"Mom can I talk to you please?"

"Sure princess."

"Mom I almost got pregnant last night."

"You almost got pregnant? Now how the hell did you manage that?"

[gonwk]

How the Fight Started

How the Fight Started

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Holy CRAP, that must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you running?"

[gonwk]

ACTUAL
AUSTRALIAN COURT
DOCKET 12659
---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY LOL !!!

Hi folks,

@ Old Gal ... 1st of all "Welcome Aboard" ... and THANK YOU so much for the Funny Case ... I was rolling on the floor ... I read it while I was at a meeting at my job ... and everybody looked at me like I have gone Cuckoo!

@ Kabuchan ... Great Idea that you took and inserted the joke here (THANKS) instead of the URL ... because sometimes the sites take stuff down and then you regret linking to it.

G!