JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[Experi-Mentor]

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.
The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of ?

The first man replied 'A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.

That's very good' replied the interviewer. 'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.

Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!, said the second man. 'It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.'

Excellent!' said the interviewer. The blink of an eye' That's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light', he said.Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.

After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea, said the Aussie. 'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response? 'Oh, I can explain', said the Aussie, You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think, blink, or turn on the light, I sh!t my pants.

He got the job.............

[Experi-Mentor]

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from San Angelo, TX toBranson, MO.
As they entered Missouri during the wee hours of the night, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.
The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands
and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I
grab it, it runs away..

[Experi-Mentor]

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.

So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So, I asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?' But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the pub for a drink?'

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?'

A little voice came out of the box .........

...........


wait for it...

.............


..............


'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my darn shoes on.'

[Experi-Mentor]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady Cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her; so when he reached the counter he said,
"When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said,
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags."

[Experi-Mentor]

Husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."


Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my tool with aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

[Experi-Mentor]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a
tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The man smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!

[Experi-Mentor]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

[Experi-Mentor]

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.



OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

[Experi-Mentor]

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

[Experi-Mentor]

An elderly man approached a very beautiful young woman in K-Mart.

"Excuse me," he said, "I've lost my wife somehow. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow said, "Certainly, Sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my Wife appears out of nowhere."

[PurpleDemon]

Hospitals

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly
asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room

number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room
302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her
nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good
news her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God
bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome, Is Norma your
daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me
anything."

[PurpleDemon]

Three Blondes

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"


The blondes all nodded.


The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."


So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"


The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. he has only one eye!"


The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"


The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice

anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"


"Yes, He only has one ear!"


The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?"

This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.


The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did

you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"


The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."


The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began Looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"


The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[bpatters69]

What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesawus
What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog? Doyouthinkhesawusrex.

[uufta]

> > >>GET THIS OUT TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO USES QUARTERS!
> > >>
> > >> Hang on to any of the new Minnesota Quarters. If you have them,
> > >>they maybe worth much more than 25 cents.
> > >> The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the
> > >>Minnesota quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters
> > >>from each state.
> > >>This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new
> > >>quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending
> > >>machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem
> > >>lies in the unique design of the Minnesota quarter, which was
> > >>designed by a team of Norwegian specialists.
> > >>Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel
> > >>together keeps jamming up the machines.

[Aegmorgil]

> John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was
> showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded
> Broncos
> flag in the window. 'This house is yours for eternity, John,' said God.
> 'This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.' John felt
> special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he
> noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion
> with
> a Green and Gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous
> Packers
> logo flag, and in every window, a Cheesehead! John looked at God and said
> 'God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an
> all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame.'
> God
> said 'So what do you want to know, John?' 'Well, why does Brett Favre get
> a
> better house than me?' God chuckled and said 'John, that's not Brett
> Favre's house, it's mine.'