JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[gonwk]

The fonts in this post are just fine. I think this is the normal size. W/e you did on that last joke was too thin and light and could hardly be read. Real strain.

OK ... OK ... Your Wish is my Command!
Check it out ... Redone ... just for you Buddy!

G!

[PurpleDemon]

Diary Of Man Who Moved To South Dakota I love snow!

December 1

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!


December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the idiot is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Merry Christmas, my ass! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. This is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his you-know-what. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Abuilder]

January 20
The little white pills aren’t much fun any more.
Asked the nurse, how long before they cut me loose.
She replied with a smile.
If you behave yourself, maybe in December.



Where is my damn shovel!!!!!!

[dr_ml422]

OK ... OK ... Your Wish is my Command!
Check it out ... Redone ... just for you Buddy!

G!

Thnx. I'm pretty sure a lot of us appreciated it as well.

@ burrell We have to be careful what we wish for cause we might just get it, but definitely not be ready or like it when it comes.

There was this guy who was kinda funny if you know what I mean.

He always went for his daily stroll which always passed the neighborhood kids.

The guys would always make fun of him, calling him all sorts of names assoc. w/his preference.

He would faintly shout back,"Leave me alone, you better leave me alone, or I'll get my dog and sick him on you."

The guys just laughed and continued mocking him. "Go ahead get your dog."

Then the day came and he brought his dog along. The guys started mocking him again as usual, having their way w/him.

Finally he said, "Ok, I told you to leave me alone, or I'll sick my dog on you.

"Go ahead the boys shouted. Sick him on us."

The happy gay fella shouted," Sick'em Wolfie sick'em. Attack."

Wolfie just looked at the boys and barked, " Bow Wow, Bow Wow."

[PurpleDemon]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ..either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[Kabuchan]

burrell84601 ... I LOVED the snow diary!

[PurpleDemon]

Thanks

Got this one today.

While attending Mass...........

An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies... 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Kabuchan]

lmao

This is an excerpt from an actual chatroom at dA ...

Thesadandunreal Tell me about emos. I don't get them.

cypher-neoThesadandunreal: There's a small typo there, I think you mean Emus. The Emu is a flightless animal that can be up to 2m tall. They live all over Australia. Although they originated on the East Coast, they are uncommon there nowadays. They are opportunistically nomadic, and although they can be observed in flocks, they are largely solitary. In general, there is no need for you to "get them". They do what they do, and all they want is for you to leave them some space so that they can do what they do alone. You should not feel threatened by them, if you don't attack them, they will just ignore you. Of course, if you start behaving in a way they don't understand, they will feel threatened, and even though your aims are noble, they are likely to attack you. The best thing to do is to minimize contact.

cypher-neoOh, unless you mean Emos, the angsty teen subculture? Same thing, except replace Australia by North America.

[drfsupercenter]

LOL, reminds me of some quotes over at Bash.org. Many of them are inaprpopriate so I won't repeat them here...

[dr_ml422]

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."

The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."

First, these basics

Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:

Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:

Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:

M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:

The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get

W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge

From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:

The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.


Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."


George III, having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, completely written over.

"What's this?" said his majesty.

"The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought," was the answer.

"Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing; "it will do very well for the next horse you sell."


The Driver after getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," said the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," said the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protested the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope climbed in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floored it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleaded the worried driver, but The Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens.

"Oh, my God! I'm gonna lose my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached. The cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatcher.

The Chief got on the radio and the cop told him that he stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All The more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger."

“Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[dr_ml422]

On a visit to the hospital a Pastor met a man who had both his legs off! He asked the man how did that happen.

"Well." The man began. "I was walking on the railroad tracks just out of town, you know the place where there is a long stretch of track with hills on either side?"

"Yes, I do." said the pastor.

The man went on, "All of a sudden a train appeared. I ran and ran as fast as I could but the train over took me and cut my legs off."

"Oh my dear!" said the Pastor "But tell me, why did you not get off the tracks and run up the hill?"

"Well," the man continued "I thought of that but I figured that if I could not out-run the train on the flat there was no way I was going to out-run it up hill."
Iupdate
06-10-04, - 11:37 AM
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
JJ Sweet
06-11-04, - 04:58 PM
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
Freedomfight
06-12-04, - 12:45 AM
As we know,

There are known knowns.

Donald Rumsfeld said the following:
There are things we know we know.

We also know

There are known unknowns.

That is to say

We know there are some things

We do not know.

But there are also unknown unknowns,

The ones we don't know

We don't know.


Department of Defense news briefing

Feb. 12, 2002
CG
06-15-04, - 11:24 AM
Here is a joke with a lesson.

A man went to the grave-yard to put flowers on his loved-ones grave. As he set them at the foot of the head-stone he noticed an Asian man at the grave next to him. The man was placing food offerings on his loved-ones' grave, a common thing in some religions.

The man with the flowers thought this to be very silly and he said so. "So, when do you think your loved-one will get out of the grave and eat that food?"
The Asian man, without a moments hesitation said, "About the same time as yours gets up and smells those flowers."
CG
06-20-04, - 09:11 AM
One of the funniest people is Steven Wright. If you have not heard any of his one-liners, here are a few (You really have to think about some of them.) :-

What's another word for thesaurus?

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?
Iupdate
06-26-04, - 11:51 AM
Older 'n Dirt!!

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?


MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried! to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21 Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends...
=====
"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."
Have a great week!!!!!!
CG
06-26-04, - 10:11 PM
Iupdate! I scored 24. I am older than dirt!!!!!
Iupdate
07-01-04, - 12:00 AM
Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
Mark Deveaux
07-03-04, - 01:55 AM
Hey; I meat this girl the other day. She had fake eyes, fake finger nails, a 3 feet long braid in hey hair. She was bleaching, she was about as pail as powder. With a front tooth cap off.
Then she said "she want a real man"
nah das a vibe.
Mark Deveaux
07-03-04, - 02:04 AM
It was this worker who had a hard night. And his boss who had a bad day. So the worker fell asleep on the job. Then the boss came and saw him. He said "as long as he's asleep he have a job, but when he awakes he's fired. :what:
Freedomfight
07-29-04, - 11:57 AM
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don-t know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You-re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you-ve not been much help at all. If anything, you-ve delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault. ----------.Good day"

[dr_ml422]

A chemist, a physicist and an economist are stranded on a desert island with nothing to eat when one day a pallet of tinned food washes up on the beach. The chemist says “Well, I can collect some compounds from the island to make a caustic paste, and we can burn the tins open to get to the food.”

The physicist says “That’s too dangerous, and it could adversely affect the food. I can rig up an armature with some wood and a couple of rocks, and we can break the tins open.”

The economist says “You’re both thinking too hard. Opening these tins is simple: First, assume you have a can opener…”

[PurpleDemon]

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'

Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

[dr_ml422]

Good 1 burrell. You got some really great ones. I cracked up while waiting for ImgBurn to finish a CD.

[PurpleDemon]

The Other Stall

This could happen to you!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doing' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here. '

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'