JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[Kabuchan]

And then the fight started

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
*******And then the fight started....



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets, realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too'
*******And then the fight started.....



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. *I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'
*******And that's how the fight started ...



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
*******And then the fight started.....



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the
road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little
things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me , and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
*******And then the fight started.....



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first..'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
*****And then the fight started.....



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to
pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
*******And then the fight started.....

[dr_ml422]

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons.

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.


Men's Rules for Women - Very True

* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry... we meant the other way.

* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

* We don't know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don't even ask.

* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."

* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.

* Actually, you probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

* Good things we can help with with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, and home repair.

* Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

* Curley is the bald one.

* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, or Naomi Wolf are up to.

* Socks never constitute a gift.

* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

* No, you can't have the remote control.

* When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.


Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother. “He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”



The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, “This tastes like POOP!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!"



There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole. The other would come behind him and fill the hole.

These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."



Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

[PurpleDemon]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One
is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from
Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The
Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then
works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will
run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for
me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we
hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[Abuilder]

http://www.hud.gov/

American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009

[PurpleDemon]

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

[PurpleDemon]

Computer Screens

I have only recently learned that all computer screens on the inside are covered with bacteria, dust, germs, etc. that can be dangerous to your health.

This is caused by a variety of reasons and it can prove to be a health hazard for everyone that uses the computer. Some at the CDC in Atlanta have recently said that this problem can be as dangerous as cigarette smoking because of the time that most of us are now spending on computers for work and personal reasons.

As a special present to each of you, I am providing you with the below link Special Program, at no cost to you, to correct this fast growing potential Health Problem.

Click on THIS LINK to clean the inside of your screen:

[gonwk]

... Click on THIS LINK to clean the inside of your screen:

Boy I could have sworn that Cleaner thingy looked a lot like one of the Regulars here at Digital-Digest!

G!

[Kabuchan]

@ burrell84601 ... LMSAO

[gonwk]

Manhood

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[gonwk]

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started......

[atifsh]

Boy I could have sworn that Cleaner thingy looked a lot like one of the Regulars here at Digital-Digest!

G!

i got same joke in my mail but with very very different cleaner that i cant post here

[PurpleDemon]

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

[dr_ml422]

That inside cleaner was great. unbelievable what one can imagine and bring to life.

[PurpleDemon]

I wonder if atifsh will pm me his?

Sounds more thorough

[dr_ml422]

I have a sure fire cure for all diseases. It's a tough pill to swallow though.