JOKES!!! - Post funny **clean** jokes here

[gonwk]

Who said Kansans were hicks?
Who's Smarter??????

After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.

One week later, The Topeka Capital, a local newspaper in Topeka, Kansas, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 300 feet in his flower garden in Council Grove, KS, Jack Kooker, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has, therefore, concluded that 300 years ago, Kansas had
already gone wireless."

Who said Kansans were hicks?

[gonwk]

An irish blonde in a casino

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men.....are men!

[gonwk]

A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she headed for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

[ger@co]

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you."

Then, we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office, and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

[gonwk]

... As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

Hey ger@co,

That was so Hilarious

G!

[atifsh]

that was funny alright

[ger@co]

Yeah, it had me rolling too.

[PurpleDemon]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

*Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

*Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

*Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

*Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

*Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

*Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

*Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

*Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

*Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

*Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

*Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[dr_ml422]

You guys getting these online, or the old way by word of mouth. I'm cracking up myself at these last several jokes.

Kick the table kick the chair, kick ole Sally down the stairs, if the stairs are made of glass, hope ole Sally breaks her a$$.

A Le La Pu P A, we did it yesterday, I didn't have to pay, it was a holiday.

Sally Sally don't say no, down the cellar we must go, put your a$$ against the wall, here I come w/ba@#$ n all.

A LE LA Pu P A, we did it yesterday, I didn't have to pay, it was a holiday.

Won't her father be disgusted when he finds her che@#y busted, won't her mother be surprised when she sees her belly rised?

A LE LA PU P A, we did it yesterday, I didn't have to pay, it was a holiday.

[PurpleDemon]

A New Twist on the Birds & Bees

Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


'You've got Male!'

[Engimainvorma]

Nice post.

I'm new to the forum. Nice post.

[gonwk]

The Black Bra

... As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

Yo ger@co,

I used your Joke at a Family gathering (cousins and what not) and all the married women almost wanted to kick my ass ... but all the guys Married & Single thought was pretty darn funny!

G!

[gonwk]

I'm new to the forum. Nice post.

Yo Enigma,

Welcome Aboard!

G!

[PurpleDemon]

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I’m dumpin’ it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

And this from South Carolina

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North

[dr_ml422]

burrell you're the man. I'm cracking up here. That deer hunting n truck stealing ate the cake. Keep it up.