Football (Soccer)

[blutach]

Well, after a long hard debate over many glasses of fine red, I am going for Newcastle. Go The Mighty Magpies (I guess).

Reasons:

1. They have the same colours and guernsey as the team I support (Collingwood) in the AFL here (the Magpies)

2. They have this Craig Moore fella who apparently talks a bit like me.

GO THE 'PIES (OR WHATEVER THE HELL THEY CALL THEMSELVES)

(PS Can someone please now explain the rules of soccer to me??) TIA

Regards

[Oriphus]

Can someone please now explain the rules of soccer to me

lol, kick a ball about and try and score mate

YYYYEEEEESSSSS!! Another United victory, great performance by the team, but its not just that that has me happy. Wait till you hear what my Fantasy Football Leagure results will be:

Van Der Sar - An Assist and another clean sheet
Heinze - Another Clean Sheet
Del Horno - Clean Sheet and a goal
Ferreira - Clean Sheet
Lampard - and assist, man of the match, and a goal.
WAyne Rooney - an assist, man of the match, and a goal
Darrent Bent - an assit and a goal

Yeehaa

Newcastle were lucky not to have two players sent off, and conced a penalty as well.

[lfcrule1972]

Newcastle looked shockingly bad against Man U..... Maybe Owen can help them out....

As for the rules of footie blu, try these, came to me in an e-mail that explains how English lads play Football at Primary School..... to be honest there isn't a huge amount of difference between these and Premiership games

The Rules Of The Game

General

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment meted out to latecomers back to the classroom. In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G&T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play - lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one. The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play, and may be the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners (see adjudication).

Parameters

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. as the number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination. In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall liewith an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point. In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is "not a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball. Tactics Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as "Catenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as "Nomadic". all but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.

Stoppages

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no post-mortem, no free-kick", and play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall.

The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that (a) "you can't make me"; or (b) "It's not my ball anyway".

2. Bigger boys steal ball.

A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older brother is "Mad Paul Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball.

More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more serious stoppage: Menopausal old bag calls police. Celebration Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces. Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to the importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution. A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch") rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents.

However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded withthe epithet "poaching bas*ard" from the opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgment from team-mates. Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker.

Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three categories.

Penalties

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter.

The arrangement is simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and are buggered if "little Billy" is going to steal any ofit.

Close Season

This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring to play as it is to watch.

[blutach]

[Oriphus]

lol - not quite the same lol - try the FA website for rules.

Looks like Owen will be a Newcastle player now. Looking forward to the last day of transfers....

[lfcrule1972]

What do you mean ?? Have you actually seen Blackburn play ??

Yeah Owen to the Toon - fair enough, I wouldn't have minded getting him and keeping Cisse but if we had to choose its got to be Cisse... I still think Morientes is going to be a waste of money - he doesn't seem to have any desire to score goals

[Oriphus]

I think Morientes could be a good scorer if he comes out of the shell he is in. As for Owen, it would have looked stupid Liverpool selling him for £8m and buying him back a year later for £16m (or even £12m though i believe Real were looking for more). Newcastle might actually start scoring goals now, though to be honest, in my opinion its their defence that they need to look at...

Im 5th out of 40 in my Fantasy Football with 155 points after 3 weeks and the 3 people in joint second are on 156 and 1st is 159.

[lfcrule1972]

I agree - Newcastle let in a lot of goals, I hope that Owen can score some for them but they have to stop shipping them at the other end otherwise they will be reminiscent of when Keegan was in charge. A lot of potential, a lot of goals but crap defensively.

Morientes ?? I wish I thought the same.....

[admin]

Well, we've signed Hleb and Poom. Arsene Wenger did promise two world class signings, and I guess if you define "world class" as the best player for their country, then yes, we did sign two world class players

I think we need an extra central midfielder, just in case any of current 3 gets injured, but I guess we've got Alexandre Song as 4th choice, and I think he could surprise a few people.

Other than that, I think we have the squad we need, and if the youth players step up like Wenger expects them to, then we have a squad that could challenge for the title for years to come.

[Oriphus]

I've noticed with Chelsea already that they are being out-played by a lot of teams, look at Arsenal, Wigan and Spurs who have all played better against them, and yet they still win. Thats reminiscent of the mid to late 90's with Man United. Sometimes we were outplayed yet you knew we were always going to score goals and win.

Man United this season has looked very solid at times. If we keep our shape and try to play the more possessive football we have been playing then hopefully we will be a main contender for the title. I think United v Chelsea will be a very interesting match, one which we will win.

The season is looking good. The top teams should hopefully be a lot closer, though in the first 3 weeks there is really no point in comparing positions in the league table.

Only Chelsea (played 4), Liverpool (played 2) and Man United (played 3) have a clean sheet so far. Whats good with United is that we seem to be scoring more freely. We saw it in the CL as well. Our problem last year was not our defense, which was the 2nd best in the League after Chelseas. It was out inability to score goals. Now with the RvN / Rooney strikeforce up and scoring, i think this year will see a very good return.

Think of it....Park, Ronaldo, Rooney, RvN and Scholes. All very attacking strong players. All very capable of providing and scoring.

[Oriphus]

Oh...and Morientes...dont rule him out yet. We all saw what he did for Monaco in the CL two seasons ago. A top player he looked (spoken like Yoda)

[lfcrule1972]

I will become a jedi if your yoda-like predictions come true mate !! Actually I think I did say my religion was jedi on the last national census !!

I think Benitez and LFC have a few bridges to build with Cisse - poor chap has worked really hard to get fit and play again for us, he plays out of position on the right when told to and then when there is a sniff of getting Owen back we tout Cisse to any team with money !!! D'oh ! Of our "world class" strikers he is the only one I rate at the moment, Morientes has a lot to prove, Crouch seemed like a silly buy to me and I sometimes think that Pongolle couldn't score in a brothel with £50 on his d@#k ! Cisse won us the Super cup and has that speed to trouble defenders.

Oh well another England match tomorrow night - I think Owen will play with Rooney behind him so maybe we might look slightly more assured than we did against Wales.... <sigh>

[Oriphus]

What a shocking performance by England. The two buses have just driven past my house taking the England players back to their hotel rooms. Awful performance. You could see someone animated in the middle of one of the buses, even though it had darkened windows, with the lights on inside, you could make out people.

Ireland didnt do to well either, bit disappointed by that one...

[admin]

Internationals == zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

[lfcrule1972]

That was embarrassing !! I decided to go the gym and watch it on the plasma's while I did something healthy !! Thank God I did - I watched in disbelief at the terrible England performance, I don't any player knew what was expected of them - we changed formation more time than a tart changes her knickers and we just ended up looking a joke.

I think Sven needs to sit down calmly and review the Denmark and N Ireland games and look at what went wrong before the last two qualifiers. If not we may not even get in as second place qualifiers.....

That said all credit to N Ireland - they played better, looked organised and had the desire, the goal may have been off side but at least they made the chance....