a touch of humor

[blutach]

@photo

Regards

[photo_angel2004]

Tequila;

A Mexican man is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a
bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The
Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one
wish;
anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make
me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass
out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear.
Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So
he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican
yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!" She comes running
down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and
fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The
result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until
the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,
"Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The
Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him,
But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from
the bottle."

Arriba!!!!

[photo_angel2004]

Lil' Johnny on Politics:

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep sh_t."

[Experi-Mentor]

that's good stuff angel

[tigerman8u]

good angel. maybe you ought to change the angel part to

[photo_angel2004]

My Mother always told me; “Sometimes in life you have to be real Bad to be real Good!”

[Experi-Mentor]

this guy goes to visit his eye doctor for an examination. they start talking as the doc is examing his eyes, & in the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "you need to stop masturbating. ok ?"
the guy worriedly replies, "why doc ? am i starting to go blind ?"

the doc replies, "no, you're not going blind but, you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[Experi-Mentor]

3 patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. if the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. however, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

the doc takes the 3 patients to the top of a diving board looking over an "empty swimming pool", & asks the 1st patient to jump.

the 1st patient jumps head first into the pool & breaks both arms.

then the 2nd patient jumps & breaks both legs.

the 3rd patient looks over the side & refuses to jump. "congratulations, well done ! you passed ! you're a free man now". just tell me why didn't you jump ?" asked the doctor.

to which the 3rd patient replied, "well doc, i can't swim !"

[Experi-Mentor]

this guy went to a psychiatrist. "doc," he said, "i've got trouble". every time i get into bed, i think there's somebody under it. i get under the bed, i think there's somebody on top of it. top, under, top, under.... "you gotta help me, i'm going crazy !"

"the cure will take 2 years," said the shrink. "come to me 3 times a week, & i'll cure your fears."

"how much do you charge ?"

"a $100 per visit."

"i'll sleep on it," said the guy.

6 months later the doc met the same guy on the street & asked "why didn't you ever come to see me again ?"

"for a $100 per visit? a bartender cured me for $10."

"really ? how ?"

"he told me to cut the legs off my bed"

[Experi-Mentor]

this is a local joke (blu, you'll relate mostly to this 1 )

god & the devil were bored on this day, & were wondering what to do to pass the time ....
god suggested a footy match between the angels (good souls) & the demons (bad souls).
the devil replied. "it wouldn't be a fair game". & that god would lose "hands-down".
how do you figure ? asked god.
"we (in heaven), have all the best & greatest players from the past at our beckoning, & you lot wouldn't stand a chance". added god.

the devil just grinned & replied - "yeah, that's true, but we have all the umpires on our side"

[Alien Bay]

Two girlfriends decide to go out on the town, and end up having quite a few cocktails. Later as they're walking home right past the cemetary,they both decide they have to pee. So they enter the privacy of the dark cemetary. When the first one's finished, she realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with..so.. off come the underpants and she wipes with these..and tosses them. The second girl, however, realizing the same predicament has really expensive underpants on and doesn't want to do this. So, reaching around in the dark, she finally finds what feels like paper and uses this.
Next morning Bob calls Charley on the phone and says "Hey, I don't want my wife to go out with your wife anymore. She came home last night without any underpants!!"
Charley says, "Oh yea, well my wife came home with a label stuck on her butt that read "From all of us at the firehouse. We'll never forget you"

[Mig$y]

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responds, "You fool you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

[Alien Bay]

Subject: Corporate Lessons


Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and! crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slid up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of! you jus t one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral! of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


Corporate Lesson 5
]A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon h! e was sp otted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Alien Bay]

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and
when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his
home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the
driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a
limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it." Billy gets into the driver's
seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a
rookie
State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by
him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught
the
limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young
trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down
he
was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his
supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the
law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I
need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important
person." The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper
said,
"No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the
president." The young trooper said, "Not, he's even more important than
that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?" The young trooper
said, "I think it's Jesus because.......... he's got Billy Graham for a
chauffeur!"

[Alien Bay]

The irony of the rat race explained ...

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist
complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and
asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long,"answered
the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked
the American.


The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet
his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your
time?"


"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a
siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see
my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a
fewsongs...I have a full life."


The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can
help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can
then sell
the extra fish you catch."

"Ok, ..... and what would I do with the money?" asked the Mexican.


"With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra
money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a
third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate
directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own
plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico
city, Los Angeles, or even New York! From there you can direct your
huge enterprise."


"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"20, perhaps 25 years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the
American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can
start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near
the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish,
take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your
friends!"